Facedown

"Friends are a Reason to Live, Breathe, and Shine"

2012-02-06T00:35:00.000-05:00

I adore this woman. She is the epitome of love, wrapped in a big, mouth-wide-open laugh. She is patient, loyal, and accepting; and she is willing to go to hard places with people-because she has an enormous heart, and is continually expending it on the people she loves. She's precious. And she is big, BIG, in my heart.

The two women at her side are her best friends. I got the opportunity to hang out with the three of them this weekend on a girls getaway night. I saw beauty in it's richest form.

Friends are a reason to live...

Living this weekend meant cleansing laughter... lunch at a charming tea house... a chilly walk in a quaint little town...the smell of sweetness permeating a specialty chocolate shop...lounging in a beautiful suite for the afternoon...constant conversation...continuous worship music playing in the background...sharing made-at-the-table guacamole along with crazy good Mexican food, served by the most ferocious waiter in the joint (Yo)...Words With Friends in relative quiet and chatting-without-speaking on the side...Coffee and tea...the sun shining the way home...

Friends are a reason to breathe...
Breathing this weekend meant being tuned in to listen beyond spoken words...tears streaming from gorgeous hearts...words of wisdom given with grace and truth...tender prayer time...encouragement...communication with a glance...the rush of peace, in the midst of hard, unanswered questions...

Friends are a reason to shine...
Shining this weekend meant seeing longtime healthy friendships, seeping with love...hearing stories...listening to shared history...watching love in action...

What a blessing it was to be included. What an honor it was to spend time with two women who so dearly love my precious friend, who loved her first, and who love her well. What a treasure it is to walk away from the weekend with a full heart and deep respect for God and his handiwork.

What a Weird Week

2012-02-04T00:41:00.003-05:00

Ever have a week where your emotions were literally everywhere?
My emotions went from each extreme--all week long.

So many different questions swirling around in my mind, mostly ones that can't really be answered.

Questions about why people have to suffer. Questions about why bad things happen to good people. Questions about justice, and fairness, and liberty.

Deep thinking questions that leave your mind exhausted from the chase, and defeated from the fight.

Here's the dichotomy, things in my life are pretty darn good. The questions have come from a place deep inside of me that wants answers for the unanswerable. The place that love abides. The place that writhes in pain when a loved one has to grapple with hard stuff.

I've been trying to fill my home and mind with worship music lately, and one song I've not been able to shake is the Desperation Band's Yahweh.

From the first break of light, to last days

Every echo of time, every evening fade
You've always been there

From a baby's first cry to last breath
Every fight in our minds, every victory dance
You've always been there
[ Tab from: http://www.guitaretab.com/d/desperation-band/248598.html ]
Ancient One, so amazing, unfailing, You are
Holy One, overwhelming my heart with Your love

Yahweh, Yahweh, Faithful God You're here to stay
Yahweh, Yahweh, Forever and always the same

Where the sky meets the sea and breaks free
When compassion and love are met with need
You've always been there

All consuming, everlasting
God Almighty, Lord of glory

This song is my heart's cry right now.

I've always been attracted to the Hebrew name for God, YHWH. While it is a gorgeous word, that seems to flow effortlessly from the lips, the general meaning is my main focus; "I Am who I Am" or "I Am that I AM"--both a comfort of all comforts.

They lyrics to this specific song speak to my soul, and cause me to reflect on what has always been.

Some stuff happened early in my life that caused some instability in my foundation. In my late teens change became a big struggle in my life; and while as an adult I have learned to deal with change, as an emerging adult--change was just plain hard.

Listening to this song reminds me that I AM always remains. He doesn't change. He doesn't falter. He's never wrong. His foundation is solid. He's always been, and He always will be.

No matter what we go through, as believers we can be assured that the Ancient One is not surprised, nor is He moved. This fills me with such hope.

And when the questions come, the answer is in a whisper from YHWH--"Why do people have to suffer?"--I AM that I AM.--"Why do bad things happen to good people?"--I never change.--

There's peace in knowing the Ancient One, all knowing and all powerful, loves me. Loves the people I love. And while the answers that I desire may not ever come, there is solace in the fact that I Am is I AM.

Don't Worry Your Pretty Little Head About It

2012-01-31T13:12:00.000-05:00

Have you ever been completely consumed by worry?

I have. I'm first to admit that I'm a worrier. Not about stuff like if my kids are doing well in school, or if I'll get a job when I'm done with school. No, I worry about the hearts of the people I love. I worry about their health. I worry about their stress levels. I worry about if they're really okay.

I don't believe that totally consumed is a good place to be, however, I will not apologize for being concerned for my family, and my heart friends. When you love deeply, part of that can mean being involved in the hard things we have to go through as people.

Ever have a fair weather friend? You know, that kind of friend who loves to have fun and will definitely join you on a lunch out, as long as the conversation doesn't go past the recent weather or the latest gossip? I have. And it's made me never want to be that kind of friend.

I'd rather be covered in my friend's tears and snot than talk about the weather. (Unless it's a 50+ day in January in Michigan--THAT'S something to talk about!)

Worry is something I've been thinking about a lot lately. Something I've tried to reconcile, because clearly in the bible we are encouraged not to worry--yet, for some reason I can't give it up. (Incidentally, I do pray, and give my concerns to the Lord.)

Here's the thing, I'm filled with gratitude for the people I walk this life with. If worrying is part of the deal, I'm okay with it. In fact, I'm more than fine with it. I'd rather love deeply, and worry, than not have the true blessing of relationship.

It is the supreme pleasure of my life to love the people God has so richly blessed me with.

I don't bat an eyelash if the worry causes me a bit of stress--love is worth every second of stress that comes with it.
So, let me worry, okay? I'm good with it.

Letting Go

2012-01-29T09:18:00.001-05:00

Do you remember the phrase "If you love something set it free--if it comes back to you it's yours--if it doesn't, it never was"? It hung on a poster in my bedroom as a teenager, and I took such comfort in the words, especially if I'd been reeling over a break up or turmoil in friendship. Such philosophical words for a teenager to ponder up in her loft while listening to Journey, and crying into her pillow.
Fast forward many years, and that phrase popped into my head while tossing and turning, trying like mad to shut my brain off in the middle of the night; I almost laughed out loud at the absurdity of my teenage self, however, another thought raced through me---part of loving well is knowing when to let go.

I love to care for people. It's my nature. I make food, run errands, make sure physical needs are met. I dry tears, I hold, I hug, I pray. I'm most in my element when it involves helping. Most of the time it can be meaningless helping, but if it means something to someone else, it's worth doing. The downside of this is that I want to fix things that I have no business fixing. I want to be involved in helping in areas that I've not earned the right to participate. I want to make people feel better when it's not my job to do so. My poor friends suffer the brunt of this, I'm in their face, in their business, and loudly in their lives. Smothering.

Part of loving well is letting go.

Letting God move. Letting God comfort. Letting God dry tears, hold, and hug. Letting God smother.

I've a long way to go in learning to love well.
The helper in me cringes at the thought of not helping.

But listening to that still small voice, and obeying, is most important. His voice says "Back off, I've got this."

So, if anyone needs me, I'll be in the kitchen. :)

A Little Post

2012-01-25T11:32:00.002-05:00

I'm not sure what this post will look like, I'm just trying to keep in the flow of writing; this might be a mess, or it could be a masterpiece--maybe a little of both!

This morning I had church in my car on the way to school. I started out with a burden to pray for my family--which turned in to weepy-eyed declaration, and praying scripture over them. Next, I prayed for my heart friends--which turned into a literal cry of gratitude to the Lord for gifting me with three incredible best friends. Following the crying came praise--and then I became a ball of mush face--which is sort of how I've been feeling all day.

Gratitude. I can't thank God loud enough, or often enough for my people. I often think the worst torture I could ever go through would be solitary confinement. I think I'd go all Cast Away and make friends with a mute volleyball; however, staying true to our family, it'd more than likely be a football *grin*. I'm a people person. Extrovert. It's who I am, who I've always been actually. (I find it interesting that I literally have never been alone--even in the womb I had my twinkie bro, Tim, to keep me company!) When I say "I literally have never been alone" I don't mean that I can't be alone, or that I'm never by myself, of course I can be alone--I just don't prefer it. I was born for community, and I feel safest when I'm with my loves.

The down side of this is I can tend to be smothering--I'm working on this. :)

But gratitude. It fills me today.

Service, Devotion, and Cherished Ones

2012-01-23T08:31:00.004-05:00

Getting stuck in Romans 12 today--there's so much there, so much of what's happening in my heart and mind.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Romans 12:1

The greek word for worship in this passage is latreiða which means, a. service rendered for hire: b. any service or ministration: the service of God: c. the service and worship of God according to the requirements of the Levitical law: d. to perform sacred services

Service=worship.

Yesterday at church the sermon was about serving. There were two main points, one being serving, the other was about being transformed in heart toward service. One thing the pastor said really stuck with me, "Two things happen when you don't serve; the church suffers, and your faith will suffer."

While I have served in the church my whole adult life, my heart was transformed for service to flow just after my first baby was born. We had a pretty rough start with our little one (I tell a bit of the story here) he was a sick little guy and had to be hospitalized for his first two weeks of life. During that time, I couldn't drive due to having a c-section, and Paul had to go back to work. I was released from the hospital six days (I was pretty ill following delivery--HELLP Syndrome-google it) after PJ's birth, but needed to go to the hospital each day to be there with my baby; the obvious question was, "How am I going to get to the hospital?" Needless to say, the body of Christ rose up and took care of us for weeks. One friend would pick me up each morning and take me to the hospital, they would usually come planning to stay a while bringing a picnic for lunch, or taking me out to a local restaurant. They would usually leave in the afternoon, but inevitably, I'd get a call from another friend inviting us to stop by their home after Paul picked me up at night, to come and eat. Once we finally brought PJ home, meals were delivered daily for two weeks. That was some incredible service, my friends, and even people I didn't know well made sure that our physical needs were met, so we could concentrate on taking care of our baby.

It was then that I realized that we need each other.

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Romans 12:9-13

Be devoted to one another.

Websters dictionary defines devotion as a : religious fervor b : an act of prayer or private worship —usually used in plural c : a religious exercise or practice other than the regular corporate worship of a congregation. (emphasis mine).

The greek word for devoted is filo/storgov which means; cherishing one's kindred, especially parents or children.

Service to one another is an act of worship unto the Lord

Being devoted to one another is serving while cherishing the person you're serving like family.

It is an act of worship unto the Lord when you devotedly serve those you cherish.

I am truly blessed with sacrificial servers in my life. When spending time with one of my heart friends recently, I told her I had few heart friends--her thoughts on this got me thinking, and I see such truth in it. Basically, if we serve our friends the way God desires us to, we don't have time or room for a great deal of heart friends--a few are good. Because then we can serve them well, and still have something left for others too.

To me, serving=loving well. It's my heart. In this season of filling, I'm excited to expend as well. Winter wilderness was long, it feels good to be back.

It's Time

2012-01-19T08:19:00.002-05:00

"The Gospel is—we are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared to believe, and at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope" (Keller & Keller, The Meaning of Marriage).

Do you ever feel unworthy? You know, sitting in church, you're about to take communion and all of a sudden the weight of what Jesus really did hits you like a sucker punch in the gut? Or how about that pause in prayer when you want to hide your face for shame because the intimacy of the moment brings back all of the junk in your past? Or when the worship band at church starts playing a song and the words instantly fill you with regret because of past mistakes? He died for the whole of his people, and that is sobering.

I've been a believer for 27 of my 40 years. At times my walk with God has been really easy, and pleasure filled, however, some seasons have caused me to want to bury my head in the sand and not come out, ever. It boils down to choices, and believe me when I say, some of the choices I've made have been doozies. Even recent choices. Some I'm pretty ashamed of. Choices. Obedience, disobedience. Honor, dishonor. Serve Him, serve myself. My way, His way.

It's natural, and easy for our weaknesses to become a focus, but living in a place of shame and unworthiness is not what Jesus died for; he died so that we could have an abundant life.

It's unnatural to take something we didn't pay for. It's awkward to receive a gift when we have nothing to give in return.

Here's the rub--God loves us. God loves us.

All powerful God. All knowing God. Yet he loves.

Nothing we can do will take that love away. Nothing we can say will make him stop loving us. Even the deliberate choice of disobedience doesn't shake his love for us.

What happens when we let ourselves get under the heavy weight of shame? We are robbed of the abundant life that is ours in Christ. And the people around us lose out on the blessing of the Lord through us.

So it's time. Time to walk upright knowing his love carries us. Time to receive forgiveness for our choices, and move forward knowing that because of his sacrifice we can live in abundance. Time to serve from a place of humility, knowing that what we've experienced is valuable to the kingdom of God, because he makes all things new; and he causes glory to be revealed in the midst of our circumstances. (Romans 8:18). It's time...

I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the HOPE to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us to believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength. Ephesians 1:18

Gathering Hope

2012-01-17T09:32:00.002-05:00

What is it about winter that causes me to be introspective? Of course, if you know me just a little bit you already know that summer is my season of choice. Cold/snow/sleet/ice/rain/gray/fog/ NO THANKS! It takes everything in me to fight the funk each and every winter, to keep my soul from becoming downcast.

Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your HOPE in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. Psalm 43:5

Hope. A word that keeps invading my thoughts and conversations. Hope. I've recently begun to look at the concept of hope in a different light. Even this scripture speaks of hope in the light of something we have control over; something to grasp, hold on to, gather, and contain.

In the past, when I pondered hope, it was more of an ethereal, abstract consideration, almost like I could describe hope, but not quite define it. If someone asked me what it meant to have hope I would say it's the feeling I had when I took my newborn baby home from the hospital; everything was brighter--the flowers were more vibrant, the sky more pristine, the sun warmer and it's rays more penetrating. Hope.

In this winter season I've been encouraged to seek out hope. The other day a wise friend put aside her time, and incidentally, her pain, to help rally me to hope. I didn't really catch it until the next day when I thought about our time together, and how when I walked into her home my soul was downcast, but when I left it was lighter. I thought about the warmth, the conversation, the laughs, the seriousness, and the silliness that pervades our time together. I thought about the embrace we shared just before I stepped out into the cold--the kind of hug that said desperately on one side, "I needed this" and confidently on the other "I wont let you fall." Then I thought about the saying on the wall hanging just inside her house--SHARE FAITH, OFFER PRAYER, GATHER HOPE--. In a text message I exclaimed, "I just realized something, hope was gathered at your house last night" she replied, "Yep, it sure was. Totally intentional."

Intentional. That message made me want to be intentional about gathering hope. Gathering hope. Spreading hope. And offering hope to the downcast, just as it had been offered to me. It's a good focus for the winter season--maybe being intentional about gathering hope for others will keep the winter blahs at bay here at home. Hope. A good word for this season.

Why Believe the Lies?

2012-01-16T09:16:00.003-05:00

When I started the back-to-school-in-my-late-thirties journey I had a clear goal, and I was ready to conquer it. I confess, I've been something of a non-finisher in my life, be it college (hence the back-to-school-in-my-late-thirties journey), crafts (hello mountains of scrapbook supplies), or books (novels I finish every time, it's the self-helpy, Bible study type that get half-read), I've trended toward incomplete rather than complete. I'm not entirely sure when the doubts started creeping in, but yesterday I was dealing with some fierce, significant, doubt as to what business I have trying to help people.

What I discovered in the early morning hours is, I'm being lied to. 1 Peter 5:8 warns us, "Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour."

"You're inadequate."

"You can't even help the people closest to you, how will you help anyone else?"

"You've made huge mistakes in the choices you've made in raising your kids, how can you possibly help anyone on THAT journey?"

"You've nothing to offer anyone right now."

Instead of recognizing the tactic of the destroyer, I turned the "you've" and "you're" into "I've" and "I", then BAM, doubt crept in, and took almost a full day of my time before I understood what was flooding my mind.

When the enemy comes in like a flood, the Spirit of the LORD shall lift up a standard against them. (Isaiah 59:19).

So in the early morning hours I began to apply a standard of truth to the lies that were coming against me.

"I am called."

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

"I am not adequate on my own, but with God, all things are possible."

Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26

"I can do this because of God's strength in me."

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Phil 4:13

"If I follow the Lord I will know how to love, and how to serve."

For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many. Mark 10:45

While I'm reluctant to believe this is the last time I will be bogged down with lies, at least I can say there is victory this time. And here's the thing, deep down, I know the path I'm on is the right one. A passion to love well has been my heart's cry, I know I'm right where I need to be.

Psalm 139:1-12

2012-01-14T10:27:00.009-05:00

You Search Me--Vineyard Music

Oh Lord, You search me

And you know me

When I sit and when I rise

Oh Lord, You discern me

And you know me

Perceive my thoughts and all my cries

If I go up to the heavens

If I rest in the depths

If I rise upon the dawn

If I live across the sea

You are there

This song became part of my soul ten years ago when my dad was in his last days on earth.  I would listen to the "Shake off the Dust" (Vineyard Music) CD on my daily trek to and from the hospital for the two weeks he was in intensive care, always repeating this song several times.  It's not like I hadn't read Psalm 139 before, but the words took on a different meaning to me as I contemplated life and death.

I'm pretty much an open book, but during that time it was hard to express what was happening in my heart.  One is never quite ready to face the death of a loved one--I don't care how much time you have to prepare, it's a deep work of the heart, and it's hard.  The comfort I found in this song (and psalm) was that there wasn't ANYTHING that I was experiencing that God wasn't involved in.  I'm pretty good at discerning my feelings--but at that emotional time in life, I couldn't--I took solace in the fact that even if I couldn't express myself to God, He already knew, because He perceives our thoughts.  Verse 3 states "you are familiar with all my ways"--to some this might be frightening, to me it's a yummy blanket on a freezing day.

I've recently come back to this scripture.  Of course, through ONE LINE in a different song.

Yahweh-Desperation Band

From the first break of light, to last days

Every echo of time, every evening fade
You’ve always been there

From a baby’s first cry to last breath
Every fight in our minds, every victory dance
You’ve always been there

Ancient One, so amazing, unfailing, You are
Holy One, overwhelming my heart with Your love

Yahweh, Yahweh, Faithful God You’re here to stay
Yahweh, Yahweh, Forever and always the same

Where the sky meets the sea and breaks free
When compassion and love are met with need
You’ve always been there

All consuming, everlasting
God Almighty, Lord of glory

"You've always been there." He was there during highest triumphs, and the lowest dredges. Where can we go and not find Him? In the suffering, and in the joy; in disappointment of sin, and in the victory; in the quiet and in the noise--He is, and he remains. He knows. He discerns. He perceives. And in the midst of it all, His love remains.

I know recently I really needed a reminder of God's faithfulness to us. In the ups and downs of life, and my spiritual walk, I needed the reminder that He remains, even when I chose not to. When fear had me paralyzed, when prayer was foreign, when my disciplines waned into oblivion, when I relied on my own strength--He didn't budge. He remained.

Thank you Father, for remaining faithful. Overwhelm our hearts with your love today--we are undeserving, but we receive your free gift of grace to us, and in the midst of our own stuff, invade our lives so that we might live differently for you.

Do you need this reminder today?

I Can't Tell if This is Killing Me or Making Me Stronger

2011-11-13T22:35:00.004-05:00

"I can't tell if it's killing me, or making me stronger."

So much of the last four years has been a learning struggle. I've been challenged physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually; it's been a true test of my resilience. I'd love to say that I've passed every test, and have come out flying high, but sadly, that's just not the truth. Far from it actually. In reality, right now, I just want to quit! (Friendship, school, parenting...) Ever have those days? (I wont though, but I'm thinking you already know that!)

I loved the phrase above because it hit me right at home today. Some seasons have been easy, but this season is just filled with a bunch of ambiguity and numbness--that spot between defeat and strength. My natural tendency in this is to close up shop--protect my heart, and hide away for a while. However, I'll choose to discipline myself, and try to create as much order in my quickly unraveling life as possible.

The caveat? HOPE. A flicker of light with in me that says "I've got you and I've got this." The Living HOPE. For that, I'm eternally grateful.

A Best Friend in An Unlikely Place

2011-11-09T22:31:00.004-05:00

A few years ago I received a friend request on facebook from a stranger. She wrote a little message with her request that went something like this, "You don't know me, and I don't know you, but you're friends with two of my friends that are from two different areas in my life. I see you post on both of their pages, and I wondered who you are! I think we're supposed to be friends!" So, being curious, I accepted her request. I quickly learned that she was from my small town, Romeo, and that our kids went to the same school, ironically, they were all spaced a year or two apart so we never ran into each other.

We were instant friends. I learned that we shared the same passion for Jesus, our families, and people; all major important aspects of friendship. We bonded quickly, it's as if we've always known each other. I can tell this woman ANYTHING. We've had intense conversations, silly conversations, and conversations about nothing. I am the most real with this friend. She sees the best of me and the worst of me. She's heard words come out of my mouth that could strip paint off the walls. She's held me when I've cried. She's given me wise counsel, she's listened to me rant, she's always ALWAYS quick to bust out in a huge, mouth-wide-open laugh. And while she's yet to wear my snot on her shirt, she's assured me it would be an honor to do so. I love this woman with my whole being.

Why am I telling you this?

I want to encourage you to take a chance.

My friend took a big chance, and now that we're heart friends, I know that it was COMPLETELY out of her character to send me that friend request. She took a chance. She put aside her shyness, threw caution to the wind, and went out of her comfort zone--for me. She took a chance on me, and it changed my life. She loves me well.

How is God stretching you today? Is he challenging you to spend your life on anyone? Is He asking you to take a chance on someone? Do it. You might just change a life.

Explaining Me

2011-11-09T00:00:00.002-05:00

If you've been around me for five minutes straight you've already figured out that I'm a talker *grin*. Communication is important to me, and while sometimes I have conversations that have absolutely zero substance, I definitely trend toward the deeper subjects in life.

I've always been an exhorter. People aren't usually left wondering if they're important to me, because I pretty much wear my heart out on my sleeve. While I love receiving affirmation, I've come to a point in my life that I can earnestly give words (and the love that drives them) without expecting, or desiring to receive them back. It comes from a place deep within me that beckons me to live a life without regret; to never take the people in my life for granted; to never assume I have time to say the things that need to be said. And ultimately, all of that comes from God, who generously GAVE to me.

So next time I tell you that I value you. Or that you're being thought of. Or that I admire your strengths. Or that I love you. Please, just say thank you. I'm not fishing for anything in return. I'm just simply saying what's in my heart, being who I am, and staying true to what's important to me; leaving a legacy of love.

Impression, Expression, Depression, Cessation

2011-11-07T11:35:00.006-05:00

As I'm gearing up to work in the mental health field I'm inundated with information, all of the time. I'm learning how to help people resolve conflict, deal with anger, betrayal, grief...you name it. Much of what I'm learning is textbook, meaning, when you throw in a real live person (or family) with all of their idiosyncrasies and experiences, some of the stuff I've learned will filter through, but I have a feeling sometimes I'll be flying by the seat of my pants. (Maybe I shouldn't admit that so freely, I might not ever get a single client!)

Yesterday at church I came across a simple statement that resounded in me, and I believe will help me in my work as I help people.

"Impression without expression leads to depression."

This statement is at the pinnacle of what I truly believe about human kind. We have all been made to do something. Sometimes as people, we are in seasons of learning (like I'm in now), and seasons of intense giving (like I'm sure many of you are in now). Both seasons are good, and fine, as long as there's a natural ebb and flow. Balance is paramount! However, when we sit in one season too long, we either get backed up, or cleaned out, and that's not good. When we are in an extended season of learning, there is a process of impression happening--our minds, souls, and spirits are being renewed and filled up. When we are in a season of giving, we are expressing what we've taken in, and in a sense, others are being the recipients. When the balance is interrupted it leads to either depression or cessation. (I added the cessation part!)

How might this happen? Picture this: you're in a season of learning, whether it be spiritual or even practical, you're taking in a lot of really good stuff. You get to the point that you are ready to explode, and naturally, you want to find a way to express what you've taken in. Maybe things don't go as you planned, and suddenly you're stuck with all of this goodness inside, yet you're unable to let it out, and you become complacent and inward, which leads to depression. --OR-- You are in a season of giving and giving and you don't take time to get refueled, then you just stop-cessation.

The moral of the story? BALANCE. If you're taking in to give out--in a healthy rotation, it's good. Anything else could lead you depressed or done.

And in all of life, remember to love well.

Frozen Dinners 2011 Style

2011-07-29T17:17:00.012-04:00

Every August I start down the frenetic road of prepping for the school year. It's one thing when the kids are starting a new year; we get them new clothes, new shoes, and a backpack full of school supplies. But when mamma is also a student, it's a whole other story. I'm beginning my fourth year of college, hoping to graduate in the spring if all goes right. So this time next year I'll be getting ready for grad school, but the good news is, I'm half way to my goal. Six years is a long time to go to school, but in the end I'll be able to truly help people, and that's what's keeping me going! The past few years I've made menus by the semester, which was great, because all I needed to do weekly was make my list and grocery shop...and cook. This fall, in addition to my school schedule, (on campus classes five days a week in which two of the days I wont even leave Rochester until 5:00) my boys are playing football, and Z is cheering. (Butchie also signed Jacks and Z up for soccer, but he's taking care of it, because I'm not in agreement with two sports at a time.) A couple of weeks ago I agreed to be the cheer coach for Z's team because, frankly, there wouldn't have been a team if someone didn't step up. And last, but not least, it's been rumored that the Rochester College theatre department is presenting Les Miserables this fall. Les Mis has always been my favorite show, and I can't help but believe that it isn't a coincidence that they're doing it my last year on campus. So, with the full support of my beloved Butchie, I'm auditioning should this rumor actually come to fruition. Needless to say, I need to be on top of food prep in my house. I don't mind having pizza a couple of times a month, and an occasional evening out to dinner, but I absolutely love feeding my family a nice, home cooked meal. It's how I was raised, and it's how I've always done it. So, this year I'm embarking on a new level of preparedness; freezer meals. I'm attempting to cook/prep 30+ meals in a day or two, and will hopefully reap the fruit of it for the first five weeks of school. If it goes well, I'll do it again for the month of October and half of November.

I started by making a list of all the different meals that my family likes, with the goal of 33 meals. I broke it up in these categories; Ground Beef or Ground Turkey, Pork, Chicken, Beef, Sausage, and Meatless. Then I filled in my calendar, bearing in mind my late days and days with evening games. (I tend to make crockpot meals on those days, because my kids can help themselves before I get home if they're hungry, or if they have to be at practice or whatever.) So, here is a snapshot of my calendar.

Just for the fun of it here's a snapshot of my calendar with all of the activities we have going on (so far) this doesn't include my homework, Les Mis, or Soccer! Yikes! (PJ's activities are in red, Jackson's in green, and Z's are in pink. How much do I love icalendar on my Mac? LOTS!)

By weekend end I'll try to post my grocery list, prep list, and cooking plan. Until then, stay cool! :)

Living Life

2011-06-14T11:40:00.002-04:00

I received a beautiful music box the other day, a surprise "just because" gift from a sweet friend. She said she had to get it for me because the prose on the top of the box reminded her of how I live my life.

Living Life

Life is not a race-but indeed a journey. Be honest. Work hard. Be choosy. Say "thank you", "I love you", and "great job" to someone each day. Go to church, take time for prayer. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh. Let our handshake mean more than pen and paper. Love your life and what you've been given, it's not accidental--search for your purpose and do it as best as you can. Dreaming does mater. It allows you to become that which you aspire to be. Laugh often. Appreciate the little things in life and enjoy them. Some of the best things really are free. Do not worry, less wrinkles are more becoming. Forgive, it frees the soul. Take time for yourself--plan for longevity. Recognize the special people you've been blessed to know. Live for today, enjoy the moment.---Bonnie Mohr

My life changed drastically a year and a half ago when my husband and I set off on a new journey of leaving what was familiar to us (our church and a ministry that we were committed to for many years) to the unknown (finding a new church, and subsequently a new way of doing life). We found ourselves in unfamiliar territory with absolutely no commitments to church, which was strange, scary, and exciting all at the same time. It didn't take us long to find a place to fellowship, but we have not felt any pressure to be there with any regularity. While I do believe it is important to go to church, for some reason, in this season of life we are only sporadic attenders, and it's okay!

My number one goal in life is to please God. I want to generously share the free love I've been given. When I spend time with people I want to leave a mark of love on their lives. I want to be different than anyone else they've encountered. True religion is taking care of the orphans and widows. (James 1:27). Add to that, "people that come into your life". Loving people. Loving God.

The gift that I received from my friend is so much more than words on a music box. The true gift is the understanding that the passion of my heart is being manifest before my eyes, and that my friends are coming to know and receive the love that I have to give, rich love that only comes from the Father.

Flowing

2011-01-26T16:30:00.002-05:00

My little girl loves all things "peace signs!" Yes, you read that correctly, my little hippie girl loves her some peace signs. She has peace sign shorts, pajamas, sweatshirts, necklaces, bracelets, slippers, t-shirts, hat, gloves, bag, etc... Her room is also adorned with peace signs in the form of homemade color sheets, made by herself, and her friends, who all happen to know how much she loves the peace sign.

It is so appropriate that she loves the peace sign, because she is my peace making little girl. She probably doesn't fully understand the complexity of the word "peace" but deep down in her little spirit, peace flows. It flows out of her as well. Whenever there's an argument in the house she's right there trying to make peace, or get the peace back into the house. The thing that upsets her most is when she doesn't feel peace in her relationship with me. She hates to disappoint me, and she's very perceptive of my feelings, what I do say, and even what I don't say.

While thinking about peace flowing out of my little girl, I asked myself, "What flows from you? What naturally comes out of you? Is it peace? Is it love? Is it generosity? Is it gratitude? What do other people receive when they encounter you? Do you leave a good fragrance on them at departure? A bad fragrance? Or no trace of fragrance at all?"

The bottom line is, I am different. I've known this about myself for quite some time *grin* but I'm just now coming to grips with the responsibility of it. Yes, I've learned to love well, it flows from a place of being completely loved by my savior. And I do believe there is a river of love flowing deep within me that can't help but splash out. But I don't just want to leave people with a splash of love, I want to leave them drenched in it.

Just like my Zoe does with her peace.

So, there's a lot that God is doing in my heart right now.

What's He doing in your heart?

The Good and Bad

2011-01-03T19:29:00.003-05:00

With the new year here I've been trying not to look back. It's somewhat hard to do, especially since the past year was the absolute most emotional year in my entire life. It ran the gamut from excruciatingly hard, to heartbreakingly disappointing, to top-of-the-mountaintop-amazing. I believe the greatest thing that came from 2010 is a greater awareness of who I really am. I finally feel good in my own skin. Excellent boundaries have been set. My priorities are straight. For the first time in a long time I'm looking forward, anticipating good things, and feeling very optimistic about the future.

The Lord had to strip me of all my earthy go-to people in order to accomplish His work in me. I guess I was stubborn, and didn't want to just surrender to Him, so through many different circumstances, I found myself bereft of heart friends. (Save for my forever faithful, Butchie.) It was brutal on this soul. But God!

This new year means so much to me. I'm healed in heart. I'm ready for service.

And just when I think, "Yeah, I got this." The old insecurities come knocking at my door! So, I'm figuring out the good and the bad! I know I do not want to go backward!

The good? School. It is very good for me to keep my mind busy and focused on studies. There's not a whole lot of time to dwell in places of insecurity when I have school, family, and community responsibilities to be concerned about. I love the structure school brings to all aspects of my life, including my thoughts! I feel ordered, and in step when I'm marking things off my to-do list!

The bad? Too much time! I've found myself on the brink of falling into old thought patterns while on this break from school. Wanna hear a few of them? "Wow, no one talks to me on twitter, it's as if I've not even posted anything!" "I wonder if so-and-so is going to contact me, or if I'm going to have to make the call, like usual!" YIKES. I could go on, but you've got the picture!

Too much time is not good for me! I've come through the most trying time of my life, and I will not return there! I have to look forward. I have to keep my eye on the prize. I have to take my thoughts captive, and put them under the obedience of Christ. And I have to be other's oriented, so as not to dwell too much on my own junk! (Serving is the best way for me to do that!)

I'm blessed, and thankful for the grace extended to me. I'm ready to put my hand to the plow, move forward in service, and not look back!

2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, anyone who is in Christ is a new creature; the old is passed away; behold, new things have come!

1/1/11

2011-01-01T18:05:00.003-05:00

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come. 2 Corinthians 5:17 (NASB)

I love the new things happening in my heart, and I also love the fruit of it that is pouring out into my family. I've never been one to make resolutions, because since I was a kid I've never been much of a finisher, and whenever I did make resolutions, I didn't stick with them. This year I've come to a new place. Instead of making a list of don'ts or can'ts, I've made a list of goals. I thought hard and long about what I wanted to accomplish this year and decided to only put achievable goals on my list; making sure to cover personal, spiritual, financial, fitness, and academic areas of my life. Not only did I write down the goals, but I also penned a strategy as to how I can meet my goals.

You can't imagine how different this is for me. I'm more of a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of girl, this sort of thing was so far off my radar...until I returned to school. I've learned so much about myself while being a student! I've pushed myself to limits I never knew I could, I've trucked through these past two and a half years, and I've changed in the midst of it! For the first time in my life, I believe I can accomplish great things!

My intention is to blog again! My goal is to post at least once a week, and hopefully the discipline in writing again will spur me on to writing more often! I miss it. I'm sure I'll be writing about the goals, and how I'm doing at moving toward reaching them! I'm sure I'll write about my life, and my family. You might find a devotional, or an occasional prayer; ultimately my heart is to just share, I hope you'll return!

Happy New Year! Check back, I'll definitely be around more often! New things have come, and I'd love to have friends along the way!

Cousins Weekend 2010

2010-07-28T08:44:00.001-04:00

We had great time with Paul's family at Higgins Lake! Here are some pictures from the weekend! I love being a Butcher!

Completely Loved

2010-06-24T08:16:00.004-04:00

"The baby is sick, and they don't know what's wrong with him." Not exactly what I expected to hear after sending Paul to check on our newborn son. Twelve days overdue, the delivery was somewhat surprising, since all I was going to the hospital for that day was to have a non-stress test. They induced labor, and shortly after found sure signs of preeclampsia, which progressed quickly to an acute stage. I delivered my son through c-section, and then was placed in a dark room, flat on my back, so I could be monitored, as my blood pressure was still dangerously high. It was in that dark room that effortless love first erupted in me.

I had been the recipient of love all of my life--first my parents and siblings, then my spiritual parents, and many, many friends that were weaved in the fabric of my young years. And of course, my new husband--married not quite a year when our just-after-honeymoon-surprise was born--was the love of my whole life. But the helpless hours spent in that darkened room, mostly alone because the doctors feared for my life should I get too much stimuli, a love like I'd never known filled me. My arms longed for my baby, my heart fully focused on him, and nothing could take my mind off of the little one I had yet to hold. I was unaware of my own condition--all I cared about was my infant son, and his life.

I was confronted with the thought of "effortless love" yesterday while talking to my friend whose house burned down twelve days ago. During the conversation he mentioned that it was as if Paul and I "loved effortlessly" that day at the fire. The words struck me, and I haven't been able to shake them. We've been very close friends with this family for almost twenty years, they've seen us walk through many situations, and they've had the opportunity to see us at our very best, and very worst--how was this love different than the love we've demonstrated thus far in our lives? This idea of effortless love intrigued me, and I've spent the last day pondering what it means. Here's what I've come up with; Effortless love happens when the love we give isn't concerned about receiving anything in return.

I came up with this theory after sitting down and dwelling on the day of the fire. I thought about what happened in our lives up until that point in time, and I thought about my heart and motives during that tragic day. Through my self-analysis I found, to put it simply, that that day was not about me. My treasured friends lost everything but the clothes they were wearing--all my focus and attention was on them, as it should have been.

Here's the rub--I want to love like that all of the time. This year has been pivotal for me. I've hurt in ways I never want to hurt again, and I believe through the pain came a realization that has led me to be able to grasp love and give it in tangible ways. I came to the place of truly knowing that I am completely loved. I've always known great love, from people and from God. But there is something about being stripped of the love you want, in order to intimately know the love you can't possibly live without. I don't think I can love well without the revelation of how well Christ loved me--enough to suffer an unrelenting death.

Through the Valley of Weeping came the most amazing gift--the knowledge of the depth of the love of the Father. It's something that's indescribable, but it's swept out the crevices of my heart, and has made me whole. It has also made me able. While prior to this experience I've loved, now I love without expectation. (That has always been the thing to trip me up--expectation.) Being completely loved means I can be completely me, and being completely me means I can love effortlessly, because I'm not interested about what I am getting in return.

Psalm 84

How lovely is your dwelling place,
O LORD Almighty!

² My soul yearns, even faints,
for the courts of the LORD;
my heart and my flesh cry out
for the living God.

³ Even the sparrow has found a home,
and the swallow a nest for herself,
where she may have her young—
a place near your altar,
O LORD Almighty, my King and my God.

⁴ Blessed are those who dwell in your house;
they are ever praising you.
Selah

⁵ Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
who have set their hearts on pilgrimage.

⁶ As they pass through the Valley of Baca,
they make it a place of springs;
the autumn rains also cover it with pools.

⁷ They go from strength to strength,
till each appears before God in Zion.

⁸ Hear my prayer, O LORD God Almighty;
listen to me, O God of Jacob.
Selah

⁹ Look upon our shield, O God;
look with favor on your anointed one.

¹⁰ Better is one day in your courts
than a thousand elsewhere;
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
than dwell in the tents of the wicked.

¹¹ For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
the LORD bestows favor and honor;
no good thing does he withhold
from those whose walk is blameless.

¹² O LORD Almighty,
blessed is the man who trusts in you.

Effortlessly loving while being completely loved.

My Life is Random and I Love It!

2010-05-25T09:23:00.002-04:00

Life is wicked crazy right now. It feels like I am running all of the time, and there's really not much down time! I'm almost thankful when the clouds roll in, bringing thunder and lightening, and ultimately a canceled game/meet. I love my kids so much, but it's hard to stay at this level of activity without offending one of them! Z has been sitting at games since she was born, and well, eight straight years of soccer, baseball, and football games has worn her out! She avoids going to their games at all costs--poor thing! It's tough being the baby!

I'm happy to have this summer off of school! Hallelujah! I can't believe Paul almost talked me into taking summer classes! That would have been a disaster! I'm going to have to teach myself Algebra though, and that might be equally disastrous. We'll see! Secretly, I miss school! While it's a blessing to have this time off with my kids, I battle the inner nerd that just wants to be in a classroom! With that said, I'm fully able to put that aside and see reality for what it is--we are too busy in the spring for me to be in school!

We found a new church! We are so happy!!! It feels really good to be excited for church again! We really let the kids lead the way, as Paul and I feel we can grow anywhere--we just wanted the kids to be served. It fills us with joy to call Macomb Christian Church our new home! We've not become members yet, but can see ourselves moving in that direction! God is good and faithful!

One thing I was concerned about when leaving our other church was the inevitable change in the relationships we've had much of our adult lives. Winter was hard-I'm not going to lie. My friends mean the world to me and it was very hard to break from the people we've been serving with for many years. In the winter I was determined to keep church in it's place--and keep myself from becoming involved in anything that require me to be at church for anything besides Sunday church. I truly believe that my heart was so broken, that I just needed to protect myself and not go there. Oh, how I love my God--He is a fighter and will not stop battling over us!

April was a big month! I was bullied into attending one day of a two day women's retreat and met some really nice women. (Thank you Vicki for rebelliously signing me up for the retreat after I emphatically told you I could not attend. You're the bomb.com!) Then I found myself wanting to get to know some of the women I met, because we just clicked! Now I'm just me again. Fully me. I realized it the other day when I was thinking about the new things in my life and thanking God for His provision of people--and I was struck with this reality; I am a relational person. It's never good for me to hide away and try to protect my heart from being hurt again, because that just makes me miserable! And, you want to know what else I learned? It's NEVER too late to make new friends. My life is richer for having these new friendships-and I'm excited to serve the Lord with these precious people!

Well, it's random--but it's life, and I'm blessed to be fully living it right now!

Feels Like Home

2010-04-28T14:24:00.004-04:00

As I typed the title of this post, I wondered how many blog posts I've written containing the word "home"? If you've known me for a minute, you know that my home is truly my haven--I love home, and I love feeling at home.

I'm not sure why I've come into the habit of using song lyrics in my blog posts, probably because music makes my world go 'round, and because God uses word and melody to touch me. Anyway, I was studying the other day in the bathtub (I know, weird.) and had my itunes playing in the bathroom (Weird yet again!) and a song came on that just touched me to the core. It's a love song that I've had in my itunes library forever, but for some reason it's not played very often, it's Chantal Kreviazuk's Feels Like Home, here are the lyrics to the chorus:

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

Some of my friends know what I'm taking about when I say I've had a few rough years. There's just been such a struggle in me to be who God has called me to be, and in the midst of it all, I lost my true self. It's been a roller coaster, running the gamut of emotions as I became what others thought I should become, and then fought my way back to me. Ultimately, I just want to be an excellent wife, mom, child of God, and friend--AND I want to serve God in my calling.

Since loosing my dad, and both of Paul's parents, I've had an urgency to be deliberate. A true passion to love people intentionally, and to love with everything I have. The hard part is learning to love without expectation--and let me just say, God has given me plenty opportunity to learn this lesson! I don't have it completely down yet, but it's coming! I don't want to miss the mark on this one, because people mean everything to me--but they shouldn't be my everything--that's God's place in my life!

How does Feels Like Home fit into this?

Recently I travelled to Nashville and Atlanta on a four day-whirlwind-no sleep-weekend! While there, I had the honor of spending time with some friends I've met through the Beth Moore blog! I've had the opportunity to meet several of these women prior to last weekend, and then made some brand new friends as well--it was fun. But while I was there God began to unfold something in my heart. While it is very special to have these women across America connect through the screen by various forms of social media, and the occasional meet-up, it is vital that I begin to pour into the women God has placed in my real life. There are many reasons the friends on the screen became special to me--one being the church struggle we were in the past few years. I believe that my precious siestas got me through that whole ordeal. (And I'm forever grateful for every prayer, word of encouragement, and tear that were given on my behalf.) The thing about leaving a church that you've planted, is all of those friends you've made along the way, and ministered with, are no longer in your life on a daily/weekly basis. When we began our pull away from the ministry, we definitely felt the loss of the majority of those friendships, to the point that I felt bereft of in-real-life friends. Yet, I was carried through by you. I even got to the point where I was looking for jobs and houses in other states so I could escape the continual pain I felt here, and the emptiness that ensued. I truly felt homeless, because home to me isn't just my physical dwelling place--it's also the people filling my life.

When I came home from my trip I wasn't sure what God had in mind--yet I believed He wanted me to do a couple things:

Be intentional about ministering to a couple of specific friends.
Try to get some of my former Bible study girls together to study the Word and fellowship for the summer. (I had to give up my Bible study when I started school--but this coming year I will probably be able to do both since I won't be working.)
Keep my eyes open to people in need.

As I came home from my trip, I felt like myself again. I believe God took me through a spiritual journey while I made a physical journey. It does feel like I'm all the way back where I belong. Not only in the natural am I home, my favorite place in the whole world; but in the spiritual sense I'm home too.

It's been quite a journey. God has already confirmed His word to me by sending a couple people across my path that I need to be intentional with. And he also gave me a huge gift, that is a little too personal to share in this forum, but I'd be happy to share it with you personally if you want to know!

It's so good to be home.

The Boxer

2010-04-26T12:54:00.004-04:00

One time, at a retreat when I was in my early twenties, the retreat speaker was praying over me and said during her prayer that I was like Jacob who wrestled with God. I find it funny, that a perfect stranger would see that in me, and I also find it interesting that after all of these years, that one phrase still haunts me.

It's absolutely true.

I'm not sure if I needed the tenacity because of my birth order, as I was the fourth out of five children, or maybe it was the environment I grew up in, but I have always been a fighter. As a little girl, fighting for my place in the family, and as an adult, fighting for my place in this world--and sadly, at times, fighting for my place in people's lives.

Everyone has the need to be loved and accepted.

This morning I downloaded some music I've heard recently, including a remake of Simon and Garfunkle's The Boxer, and I couldn't help seeking out the lyrics, because there's something so powerful, and soulful behind the melody; something that resonated in me while listening. I found this particular verse interesting:

In the clearing stands a boxer and a fighter by his trade,

And he carries the reminders of every glove that laid him down,
Or cut him 'til he cried out in his anger and his shame,
"I am leaving, I am leaving."
But the fighter still remains.

Right now in this season of life, this is how I feel. And yet, in the leaving, I have a revelation of the Father's love. I'm not that little girl fighting for my place in the family, because Paul and I are partners, and I am secure in his love for me, and my abilities as a wife and mom. I am no longer fighting for my place in the world, because I have a clear path as to what I believe God wants me to do, and how I will serve Him. While I would love to say I no longer fight for my place in people's lives, that just simply isn't true.

If there's anything I do well in life, it's love. I have a genuine passion for people, and a desire to serve them. I have a deep rooted ability to care, and compassion comes very easily to me. The flip side of it is, I'm terrible at rejection. I take people at their word, and if they say they're going to do something, or not going to do something, I assume they will justly follow through. I hate injustice.

So, how am I like the boxer and how is it relevant to friendship?

In the clearing stands a boxer and a fighter by his trade

The boxer is standing. He's not defeated--he's standing, despite how he feels or what he's experienced, he's standing.

Ephesians 6:13-14 says, herefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then...

I am standing. While my life's path has shifted, and I've lost some precious, dear friends, I'm standing. Sometimes I feel like I wont be able to stand any longer, but somehow, I stand.

And he carries the reminders of every glove that laid him down,
Or cut him 'til he cried out in his anger and his shame,

Not only does the boxer remember all of the blows he's taken, or all of the agony he's experienced from the way others have treated him, but he carries it all with him.

Romans 8:18 says, I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

God is taking my anguish, healing it, and turning it around to bring praise and glory to Himself. But, I still carry the reminder of it in order to make me a more compassionate servant.

"I am leaving, I am leaving."

The boxer goes home. He's tired. He's made mistakes. He's sinned. But, he's also been mistreated and talked about; so he's taking himself out of that environment, and going back to a place where he's loved.

^{Luke 15: 18-20 says}^,I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired men.' So he got up and went to his father.

I've made mistakes. I've hurt people, and I've been hurt by people, and I'm leaving. I'm making changes. I'm cutting out unhealthy relationships in my life, and saying goodbye to people who've mistreated me. I'm going back to the people I love. The people who've been steadfast, and the people who love me enough to treat me well. The people who don't only tolerate me, but actually want me in their lives, and want the friendship I have to offer.

But the fighter still remains.

The boxer is still a fighter. He might be leaving, but he's leaving whole. He's going, but he's in tact, and deep down inside he remains who he's always been--a fighter.

Just like Jacob wrestled with God for answers, I've spent my time wrestling with him. And, while I am definitely down, I'm not out. I leave a fighter. I've been a fighter since I was a small girl, and I'll continue to be a fighter. Even though I've been in a battle, I leave with my integrity. I've treated people well; I've loved, served, and prayed--and now I remain in His love, and wholly me.

What's Up.

2010-02-23T13:53:00.004-05:00

I've been in sort of a funk.

How do you like that for an opening sentence? I could sugar coat it, but why bother? Yes, I've had several emotionally rough days in a row and well, it has been--brutal on my soul. I'm going to be very vague with details as to why I've been down, because things aren't completely resolved, but I will tell you a huge thing I have learned already along the way.

When God leads you to do something, do it, because He knows best. Case in point: I was lead to observe lent this year. I grew up in a denomination that was big on lent, but we weren't anything more than Christmas and Easter attenders so it always felt false for me to "give something up" when there was nothing really backing up the giving up. So when I committed my life to Jesus, because a neighbor reached out to me and showed me the way, and started attending a church that didn't participate in observing lent, I left all of that behind me. So, why this year? Well, I've been dealing with this thing that I'm dealing with for quite some time, and subsequently have stopped asking God for guidance. While I have been praying for others and wanting to help others through stuff, I stopped praying for this situation. I stopped praying for me. Somewhere along the way my disciplines changed. At one point in time I hardly ever listened to music that wasn't deliberately meant to glorify God, worship music played in my home, car and ipod almost continually. Well, I stopped that too.

While I was considering lent and trying to focus on sharpening my spiritual disciplines I was led to give God my music. It sounds like a small thing, but to me, music is the fuel that keeps my day going. I love it and can't imagine life without the creative expression of song. But this lent thing, I believed I was to fill my life with worship again. So, for almost a week now I have strictly listened to only worship music. (Besides the day I picked up my van, in which I turned on some tunes just to check out the stereo.--Just keepin' it real!)

God knew what I needed even before I needed it. You see, this week has been especially rough and my emotions just raked over the coals--yet all around me there are words of life. The melody of true love and lyrics that bring heaven down to earth are resounding in me. I needed this.

Are things better? Well, yes and no. No, the problem is not resolved, but yes, I am okay, because the living river of God is flowing in my life. The lyrics of the songs playing on my stereo are more than just words, they are anointed to help life flow into me.

Nothing can separate

Even if I ran away
Your love never fails

I know I still make mistakes
But You have new mercies for me everyday
Your love never fails

Chorus:
You stay the same through the ages
Your love never changes
There maybe pain in the night but joy comes in the morning

And when the oceans rage
I don't have to be afraid
Because I know that You love me
Your love never fails

Verse 2:
The wind is strong and the water's deep
But I'm not alone in these open seas
Cause Your love never fails

The chasm is far too wide
I never thought I'd reach the other side
But Your love never fails

These words offering water to a thirsty soul.

Savior, he can move the mountains

My God is mighty to save

He is mighty to save

Forever, author of salvation

He rose and conquered the grave

Jesus conquered the grave

These words offering hope to a weary heart.

He is jealous for me
Love's like a hurricane,
I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of
His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great your affections are for me.

Oh, how He loves us so
Oh, how He loves us
How He loves us so.
(x2)

We are His portion and
He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption
by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking
So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss and my heart turns
violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way

He loves us...

These words filling up the cracks caused by regret with unconditional love.

Things aren't settled yet, and I have no idea what will happen in this certain situation...but I know who holds me. I know who loves me. I know who will never, ever leave.

Things From the Heart

2010-01-20T15:48:00.005-05:00

It's completely unacceptable that I've neglected my blog this long. So all of you (two) who've faithfully checked my blog for a new post...here it is! :)

We've had quite the couple of months around here! One of the biggest decisions we've made in a long time was to leave the church we planted with some other families eleven years ago. This decision didn't come lightly, in fact, we agonized over it for many months before actually doing it. We know we made the right decision and are confident that the Lord will direct us to where He wants us!

One of the by products of leaving a church is that inevitably, relationships change. I have friends who've gone through this process recently and they agree that some friendships just aren't the same. Part of counting the cost of leaving was considering the friendships we had, and if we were prepared for them to change. Ultimately, we had to do what God was leading us to do, so I guess I've been somewhat prepared for the change. What I was unprepared for was the ease of it all. I'm speaking comparatively here--because change has not always been this good to me. There have been times of change in my life that have gone smoothly--like becoming a full time student for instance, easy peasy! Maybe I grieved the changes prior to actually making them, maybe God has moved so greatly in my life that I'm different when it comes to change, or maybe I'm just so at peace with these decisions that I've just been walking in an extreme amount of grace. Maybe a bit of all of these things. One thing is for sure, I am very thankful.

There is one thing that I know has helped me through this transition. You. Yes, you. It's hard to believe I've had my blog for three years. I began this blog at the start of the decision making process. I started feeling the grace lift for the ministry we just left about three years ago. There were circumstances that lead to it, and I began to question, prepare, grieve, and change three years ago, but my husband took a little longer. So I wrote. I poured out my thoughts, some of them ended up here on the blog, some didn't, but I had to have an outlet for my emotions and found great solace here.

In the midst of this journey I met you! Some of the most authentic, caring, loving, prayerful women I've ever known. I've had the privilege of meeting many of you face to face, it's an honor to call you friend. Some of you I will meet very shortly, and I'm beside myself with joy. I've been completely blessed and humbled by God because He's gifted me with you.

The true beauty of my friendship with you is that it's steadfast. You're here, behind my screen, just a tweet away! I appreciate each email, facebook message, direct message, and tweet. I delight in the text messages and phone calls between us. I'm truly and utterly blessed by your place in my life, and I unequivocally believe that it's YOU who've gotten me through this tough transition. So, thanks. Some of you have become my closest friends. Who would have ever thought??

So much love and respect for you, and unending thanks.

If I might ever return the gift you've been to me I will in an instant.

Tis the Season

2009-11-28T09:05:00.011-05:00

The holidays are here and I can hardly believe how fast 2009 went! I'm a big fan of holidays in general. Yesterday we decorated our home. I love the warmth the Christmas season brings to my home. I thought I'd share my pictures with you! :) But first, a few from Thanksgiving at my house!

Cute little turkeys made their way to every place setting! :)

I used the china I kind of inherited from Paul's mom. (I'm storing it for Paul's little sister indefinitely, but she's given me permission to use it whenever I want! She said she'll probably want to pick a pattern of her own when she gets married, but who knows!)

My pretty table!

Everyone siting at the table getting ready to say the blessing!

(Right to left--Paul, Jackson, Zoe, Howard (step dad), Mom, PJ)

And now, Christmas Decorations!

~:~Tree~:~

The living room tree! :)

~:~Ornaments~:~

My favorite ornament. It is a Swarovski Crystal Snowflake (2002) given to me the year my dad died, in his memory. I think of him for a few moments every time I put this on the tree and remember the good times!

Some of the other pretties hanging on the tree!

~:~Tables~:~

My dining room. It's old school furniture that we inherited from Paul's parents but the table has a bazillion leaves to seat many friends!!

My dining room table! I like to display my china because I rarely see it! The color is perfect for Christmas and I love entertaining. This table is ready for guests at all times during the holidays!

Kitchen table--my mom gave me the table cloth and napkins a few years ago and I use them every Christmas season for my everyday table cloth!

Kitchen table centerpiece.

Dining room table centerpiece.

~:~Foyer~:~

~:~Fireplace~:~

Our stockings--love the stocking holders PEACE!

Another view of the fireplace.

~:~End Tables~:~

~:~Pretties~:~

This star is actually a tealite candle holder and it hangs in the corner where our Christmas tree goes--so for the holidays it finds a new home at the top of our armoire with twinkling lights highlighting the pretty red glass!

I got this serving dish for my wedding and don't have the opportunity to use it very often so I got this pretty little bulbs for it!

There is never a shortage of candles in our home during the holidays! We love to keep the burning!

~:~Sweets~:~

I love using my candy dishes during the holidays! YAY!

My bowl of pretty Dove Dark Chocolate with Peppermint Bark!

Pretty foil wrapped chocolates dress up the dish!

I love having a basket filled with Candy Canes! Plenty for friends who drop by!

My favorite Old Fashioned Hard Candy--Reminds me of Grandma's house!

And nothing say's "YAAAAAY!!!" Like a trifle dish full of kid flavored candy canes!

I haven't decorated the basement yet so stay tuned for more pictures when that is done! :)

Building a Legacy or Bidding Your Time?

2009-11-18T09:26:00.004-05:00

Set yourself earnestly to discover what you are made to do, and then give yourself passionately to the doing of it. -- Martin Luther King Jr.

We are in an interesting season of life right now. The past few years have been full of major disappointment from unattained goals and smashed dreams. I had to go through all of the stages of grief, which is a little tough to describe to people because it isn't a person who has died, but a dream, and of course it was all out of my control. I just couldn't wrap my brain around all of the "why's" of the situation. Was I not smart enough? Dedicated enough? Good enough? Were my motives wrong? Inevitably, someone else was always chosen instead of me, which led to certain self-image issues. Ultimately I believed God was in control--so when things weren't happening on the road I thought He led me down, it confused me. The confusion didn't lie in His sovereignty, but in the unrequited passion still burning in my belly.

I begged Him to take it away, but no matter how much I tried to extinguish it, the fire wouldn't die. How terrible to have passions fire burning, with no outlet for it. (I pause here to say that I am only referring to one aspect of my life, of course Paul and the kids are the recipients of my greatest passions, and I've been wonderfully fulfilled in my role as wife and mom.)

After many months of contemplation I finally realized that I was at a crossroad. I could choose the uncertain path I was already on, the one that could continue to bring heartache, or I could choose the path of discovery, and follow my heart to do what I was made to do. To quote Sarah Palin, the best rewards often lie on the other side of pain.

Recently Paul and I took the kids to the church we attended when we met, fell in love, and were married. Our visit was a wonderful experience, almost like a homecoming with so many familiar smiling faces, warm embraces, and exciting happenings! One thing I pondered after leaving that afternoon was the incredible heritage in that church. How wonderful that the families with teenagers we knew when we left eleven years ago were still in there, but the teens now grown and married with kids of their own. A church that has generations of families not only attending church, but putting their hands to the plow and serving, speaks volumes. It made me wonder what we've been doing for the last eleven years? Certainly not building a legacy. No, we've been bidding our time--waiting to be accepted by the church and her people, waiting for our passions to be put to good use.

I've always known that my life is not really about me. I have an inferno in my gut that causes me to want to make a difference in this world. To touch a life, to help someone along their path, to lead people to the Father and His great love. I am compelled by a force much greater than me, and it's unstoppable. It's a desire to leave a legacy of love. Is there anything greater?

Leaving a legacy of love first with my husband--am I serving him? am I encouraging him to go after his dreams? am I showing him how much I respect him, his goals for our family, his unbelievable work ethic, and his drive to provide for our family? am I loving him with all of me? Second with my kids--am I showing them the way to the Father in the way I talk to them? am I spending enough time with them, loving on them, praying for them, and encouraging them to be everything they can be? am I laying my life down for theirs? Last with my friends--am I aware of their needs? am I demonstrating my love for them in my words and actions and more importantly are my words and actions pointing the way to the Father?

Soon I will add work to the list, for much of my adult life I dreamed that I would be working in ministry, now I am content to see that God has a different plan. How amazing that I get to experience these things, and that through them I am drawn to God's powerful love and grace. And how truly humbling that He chose me to make a mark on this world. I'm ready to answer the call! I will not have a life of just bidding my time until I get to see Him face to face, no, I am leaving a legacy.

It's a new season.

A Fun Little List of Questions!

2009-10-27T15:18:00.003-04:00

I saw this little questionnaire on Baby Bangs the other day and thought it would be fun to do so I ripped it off! ;)

1. What is your favorite thing to snack on while your blogging?
Dark chocolate.

2. What is one thing you wouldn't want to live without?
My straightener.

3. Beach, Mountains, or Farm? Where would you live if you had a choice?
Ooooh...beach.

4. What's your least favorite chore/household duty?
Toilets/bathroom

5. Who do people say you remind them of?
I look like my sisters, but no one usually says I remind them of anyone!

6. Prefer parties and socializing or staying home with the fam?
I prefer a healthy balance of both! I don't want to be gone from my family too much...we have lots of fun together!

7. What's your all time favorite movie?
Um, probably Mamma Mia! :)

8. Do you sleep in your make-up or remove it like a good little girl every night?
No, I'm a make up taker offer!

9. Do you have a hidden talent or a deep desire to learn something that you've never had a chance to learn? What is it?
I really want to learn how to play guitar so I can worship anytime!

10. What's one strange thing you're really good at?
Uhhhh, I'm really good at doing the worm. OH! And also I can do bunny hops on my kids bikes!

11. What first attracted you to your spouse?
I loved that he would worship Jesus uninhibited.

12. What is something you love to smell?
Clean sheets! Oh, and good food cooking! :)

13. Tell something about you that you know irritates people.
I talk too much. I know I do, I need to have self control over my tongue!

14. When you have extra money, what's the first thing you think to do with it?
Go shopping or take the family out to dinner!

15. Are you a silent laugher or a loud laugher? What makes you laugh the hardest?
I'm an out loud laugher, but not too obnoxious! My kids say some pretty funny things that make me laugh hard, but honestly the thing that makes me really laugh is watching videos of people falling down or getting hit with flying objects. I know it's terrible, but it's true.

16. Where is your favorite place to shop?
Hmmmm, I could drop a ton of cash at an electronics store or furniture store. (Love me some techy stuff!) As far as clothes, I like to pick through the racks at TJ's or Marshalls.

17. What's one thing you'd do more often if you had more time?
Hmmmm, travel.

18. Are you a big spender or frugal?
I like quality things but I'm definitely a bargain shopper!

19. Who is your favorite character of all time?
Probably Anne from Anne of Green Gables. Love her.

20. Would you want to be famous?
Wait, I'm not famous??

Feel free to take this from my page, but let me know if you did because I'd like to come to your blog to read the answers! :)

ANNOUNCMENT!!!

2009-10-25T23:08:00.002-04:00

I've got my mojo back!

I know because of the title of this post you all thought I was going to share something life changing or monumental, and this is both of those things--let me explain.

I've just come through a several year season of incredibly heart wrenching stuff. Many dreams were smashed to smithereens, my heart went from soft and pliable to granite hard, my self confidence all but disappeared, and my emotions were off the chart. All of these things led me to be very introspective, withdrawn, and self-focused. (Which I loathe, by the way. Ugh.) There's nothing wrong with taking a little inventory--but this was like being locked in a room with me, myself, and I--with no exit strategy! It was awful, and I was unhappy with who I was at the time, but I had to walk down that road to get to this one.

I know we all have dark periods. Times when life isn't exactly going as planned. Times when we are at the end of our rope, treading water with our head just about overtaken by the proverbial water, and every other cliche used to describe those times when we just want to lay down in the fetal position and weep until there are no more tears. I'm certain you can fill in the blank with experiences from your own life that have caused dark times. Every person can empathize with feeling defeated. Darkness is no respecter of persons. And while I do believe there are different outcomes to dark places, I can't say comparing one persons experiences in the dark as worse than another--meaning, dark is dark. Suffering is suffering.

Do you ever lay awake in the middle of the night just waiting for days first light? The only thing that will dispel the darkness is light. In this instance, my night seemed to last an eternity. You can't imagine how thankful I am for the light in my life right now.

These are some of the ways I know my heart is changing--

I'm laughing again-finding the little things in life that are funny and appreciating them!
I'm experiencing freedom like I've never known.
I'm excited about the future and am confident I'm on the right path.
I'm enjoying living in the moment.
I'm not complaining.
I'm focused on my goals and believe I will achieve them.
I'm thankful.

And the absolute best thing I can say about my current state of light, is that I'm outward focused again. I'm tuned in to people, looking for a place where I can make a difference. (For the past several years all I could do was meet the needs of my family--I've been doing that well-they have been my sanctuary, my place of comfort and rest.) Now, I'm excited about ministry. Ministry to the hurting, ministry to the broken, ministry to those who've lost their way. Not so much church ministry, but life ministry. I'm back. I'm different, and I've changed for the better, and I'm ready to love people--I'm ready to do that which God is pointing me toward--and I couldn't be more blessed.

I guess learning to appreciate light takes time in the darkness. I'm embracing the time I spent there, because it was a very pivotal time in my life. A time where my mind was changed, my path was changed, and my heart was changed; and while I can't say I'm happy that my heart suffered a hardening, I am very happy that it's becoming soft again. I'm happy that I lived through the brokenness to see this splendid light.

A Love Revolution

2009-10-16T19:07:00.003-04:00

I am so blessed. Sometimes I complain about life. Sometimes my feelings get so out of whack and I blow things out of proportion. Sometimes sucky things happen. (Yeah, I just said sucky on my blog...get over it m'kay?) And sometimes I rant and rave, but I know from the depths of my being that I am BLESSED. It is rare that a day goes by with out a portion of it being spent with thoughts of gratitude. Seven and a half years ago Paul and I lost our dads within three months of each other. Having lost Paul's mom a few years before that, it left us with one living parent. (And an excellent step parent, my wonderful stepdad, Howard.) The experience of losing our loved ones has caused Paul and I to love deeply. We have an intense love for our children, our families, our friends, and people in general. We also understand that this life is but a vapor, and the only thing that truly matters is how we love. We've all heard the saying, "The one who dies with the most toys wins!" My personal philosophy is, "The one who dies having loved fiercely wins!" It's all that matters in this life.

So, how do I work out those days when nothing seems to be going right? How do I reconcile those times when life throws a curve ball? I just try to stay thankful.

This past year I've noticed a trend online that rubs me the wrong way every time I see it. It's a website devoted to allowing people to vent about how terrible they have it. Sometimes it's just people blowing off steam, and sometimes it's just blatant complaining, but the pervasive attitude of the people posting is negative. I believe the initial gist of the website was more or less supposed to be light hearted, but to me, it is just a downer. The website is called FML and the letters stand for "F#*% my life." Basically, people leave a sentence about something that is going on in their life but always ending their rant with the letters fml.

Here's what I want to do, I want to start a love revolution. I want to start a trend of gratitude instead of complaining. Yeah, there is a TON to complain about right now...especially if you live in Michigan. There is a great deal of loss going on all around me. Loss of jobs, homes, loved ones. There is a lot to complain about--but I'm refusing to do so. Instead, I am CHOOSING to focus on being thankful.

From here on out you will see LML following my facebook/twitter status updates. LML=Love My Life. To me, LML sums up everything I aspire to. Even in the darkest hour I want to be able to say LML. If you know me, you know that I'm about as open as they come. Part of living life poured out is being authentic, and I try to live as real as possible, but really, what does FML really profit anyone? If I have a bad attitude do you really want me spewing it all over you and your good attitude? See, sometimes I've chosen to be crappy in the name of "authenticity" just so people don't think that I think I have it all together. Believe me, I know I don't have it all together. I pretty much don't even have it HALF together. --But I do have love. I do have everything to be thankful for. I am blessed. LML.

Try it, and together we can start a love revolution!

Update of Sorts: A reunion, 2 Football games, and Muffin tops

2009-09-24T00:04:00.009-04:00

I guess the ice cold coke I consumed at 5:30 this afternoon is good for something! While it IS keeping me from sleeping, at least I'm blogging. :)

Life has become quite busy and harried lately-but I like it. I know it seems rather odd to love the craziness, but I've never claimed to be normal! The weeks are flying by, filled with work and school and homework for me--but also filled with my beautiful family and all of their activities. I wouldn't have it any other way, unless it could all be done the same exact way in a state that stays warm most of the year...that is the only other way I'd ever THINK of doing it differently!

A big event took place last week. My 20 year high school reunion. Holy smokes. It was so fun. Shopping for what to wear to the big event? Not so much. The reunion was held in a private room of a restaurant/bar, so I knew I wanted to be casual, but my recent weight gain made it hard to find an outfit I felt half way decent in. My original goal was to buy a cute dress and wear it with my jean jacket and some chic boots. I took some time on the Friday before the Saturday night reunion to browse the racks at a local department store...well, to be honest, I frantically and not-so-gracefully tore through the racks at Marshalls, because let's face it, shopping on the Friday afternoon prior to a Saturday evening event is just NOT the smartest thing I've ever done in my whole life. Anyway, I went back into the fitting room with 8ish dresses. Tried them all on and decided on a very cute brown and camel dress. It was even flattering on my not so slender shape, and I really liked it! The only problem was the boots. I own knee high black boots, mid-calf brown boots, reddish/brown very cool and fun but not the right color boots, and some brown cowboy boots. Obviously I needed some brown knee high classic boots. So I ~~moseyed~~ ran to the shoe department and ~~slowly and me~~thodically~~~~ feverishly spun through the boots searching for the perfect brown boot. Suddenly, a light shone down from heaven and there on the table was THE boots. The right height, heel was at a comfortable level and the color...well brown is pretty much brown, but they were knee high brown boots which is what I needed. Oh my lands, I was SOhappy, because they were very moderately priced as well. Like a whole outfit for $60.00. So I stepped out of my flip flop, wrestled my foot into one of those bottom-half-of-the-foot-only foot liners, slid my foot into that perfect brown boot, and clunked with one high heeled boot and one flip flop over to the closest mirror. Just as that bright light from heaven shone upon the boot when it was on the display table, it came again and shone precisely on the muffin top from mychubby knee bulging over the top of the boot. Okay, so maybe it was my critical eye, but the boots went back to the display table and I went to plan B. What pray tell was plan B? Wide legged jeans and a black top.

Here is a picture of me with my precious friend, Michelle. We've been friends for 30 years.

You know what? I hardly thought about what I was wearing, how I looked or how much weight I gained, rather I caught up with some old friends and had an absolute RIOT! Somehow, none of the insecurities I've dealt with up until that evening carried into the reunion, and they really haven't come back either. (Don't get me wrong, I really want to fit into all of my clothes again, but I just don't feel bad about myself because they don't fit right now.) It's really a good victory--probably one I've needed for a long time. The words from my former classmates that night were very kind. Somehow, in 20 years I haven't changed a bit! ;) You can be the judge of that!

Senior Picture 1989

Well, I don't have time to write about the football games--but look back in a few days, I might just post again real soon! Honestly, I want to tell those stories too, I just need the proper time to give them justice! :)

In Remembrance

2009-09-10T23:54:00.002-04:00

I wrote this for a class last year. The assignment was to write a descriptive essay--this was the result. I know it's a little long, and I did post it around the election last year, but I just wanted to post it in honor of this day, and what it means to me.

The Day The World Changed

The sun brilliantly poked through the dusk, spilling golden warmth into the windows of the Victorian homes that lined Main Street. September 11, 2001, dawned like many mornings in our busy home. The whoosh of the traffic outside my window was my alarm clock, startling me out of dreamland so I could fulfill my responsibilities as mother extraordinaire, a job that had become increasingly harder since the exuberant news that I was pregnant. Morning sickness was my nemesis, fighting to defeat me each moment of every day. The only true consolation to rousing out of my pitiful slumber was that once I got my older son off to school, my workload decreased by half.

Shuffling through the house, I flipped the light switch in my boy’s bedroom as I gently sang a sweet spontaneous wake up song. A soft tickle here, a subtle shake there, and my boy’s smiling faces appeared from under their blankets, rested and ready to fill their empty tummies. My usual cheer shrouded by the continual nausea that tried to beat me down, I readied my kids for their day. The smell of peanut butter lingered in the air as the boys munched on their crispy toast at the table. Chatting with animated voices they made secret plans, privileged information shared between brothers. We stomped down the stairs of our upper flat, a brigade off to battle the morning traffic.

We accomplished our mission, fought through the carpool lane and delivered our little soldier to school. Finally home with my two-year-old chatterbox, my main objective was to feel better. Medicating myself with fiery tasting Altoids Peppermints was the only way I knew how to wage war against the hormones-gone-crazy in my body. The little spicy lozenge eased the continual acid taste in the back of my throat, cutting the never ending, intense nausea. Popping Altoids and lying motionless on the chilly leather sofa in our tiny living room was my plan.

My little bundle of energy was happily watching a movie in the den while I lie stationary, watching my friends on The Today Show chatter about the pristine blue, sun drenched sky over New York City when suddenly a news story broke. The report was a swift slap in the face. I sat straight up, sickness quelled by shock, as I focused on the news. An unidentified airplane crashed into the North Tower of the World Trade Center. Immediately a sense of doom fell over me. I sat watching the live picture of the North Tower as it burned. Smoke spilled out the side of the building like a peace pipe had been lit.

The atmosphere shifted at exactly 9:03 a.m. I sat chilled to the bone as I watched a second airplane intentionally slam into the South Tower. My raw instincts told me we were being attacked. Trembling, I grabbed the telephone and called my rock, my spouse, who always brought peace to my anxieties. I needed to make sense of what I just saw and knew my husband would bring stability to the earthquake that shuttered around me. But his words could not ease the thick gloom in the air. The unspeakable happened. Our nation was attacked.

With my eyes fixed on the live feed of network news, I came undone while I watched blameless men and women throw themselves from the burning structures. It was a ghastly sight, human beings jumping from windows. Some leapt alone while others found solace falling together. Ten seconds was all it took for each victim to reach their life’s end. Decimated, their flesh and blood mingled with fear on the streets.

I witnessed the towers crumble as if they were paper mache piñatas, thoroughly destroyed and spilled all over the ground. Astonished, I saw the symbol of American wealth and prosperity reduced to a colossal heap of smoking debris. I was spared of the deafening thunder that resounded when the strong buildings fell. My breath was clear of the massive dust that billowed as clouds, rolling through the Manhattan streets. I didn’t have the heartbreaking anxiety over whether my loved one cleared the premises before all was lost that day.

This tragedy happened over six hundred long miles from my doorstep, but it was as if it occurred in my driveway. I was intensely offended. My land was molested. Innocent people lost their lives. The enemy celebrated like their underdog team won the championship, while our city burned. They triumphed in the terror that reigned from their deplorable acts.

As the horrific events played out, my empty arms needed to hold my family. My husband, unable to concentrate on his job, came home. Together, wounded and battered, we drove to pick up our first grader. He was unaware of the dreadful happenings that changed our world, although his demeanor spoke of one who had a simple knowing.

We sat soberly, stunned, as if we had taken a hard hit to the head. We didn’t know what our futures would hold. We felt the storm brewing in the distance and could not help holding each other a little tighter that evening. Our arms were filled, but our hearts ached for those whose arms were vacant.

For months following the attacks on our land, our family stuck together, bonded by the calamity. Our country went to war and we found our patriot voice in the midst of the uncertainties. We displayed our American flag boldly, openly expressing love for our country.

The birth of our little girl came eight days after the United States invaded Iraq. I was wrought with emotion; pure elation, mixed with pensive reflection over the state of the world. As we watch our daughter grow she serves as a reminder. There is something here worth protecting; something still worth fighting for. The seed of hope grows as the memory lingers.

Two Years in The Desert

2009-08-25T10:42:00.003-04:00

I used to sing a song by Annie Herring called Heart of Stone. (You can purchase it on itunes but I couldn't find it anywhere else online to listen for free.) The song is a heart grabber, and when I would perform the song my emotions would get jumbled in there and reach out to all of the women in the congregation/retreat that were identifying with the song.

Heart of Stone

All my life I would give away

Just to melt this heart of stone

All my wealth, all my treasured dreams

Just to melt this heart of stone

For I know You can't shine through me

Until I'm broke in two

So, Holy Spirit breathe on me

And melt this heart of stone

Faithful Friend,

You're there to the end

Yet my heart has crowded you out

One by one

Little things I've done

Turned my heart away from the Son

And I know You can't shine through me

Until I'm broke in two

So, Holy Spirit breathe on me and melt this heart of stone

For I know no other power

And I know no other Love

Only You alone can melt this stone

Break this heart of stone

And set me free

Holy Spirit,

Breathe on me and melt this heart of stone.Oh Holy Spirit,

Breathe on me and melt this heart of stone

Singing this song as the Lord helped me sympathize with the people whose hearts were being touched is one thing, but being able to empathize with a person with a heart of stone is much, much different. Empathy comes through experience. I can now empathize.

I didn't know my heart was hard. How does this happen to a woman who loves Jesus? How can someone who is willing to give her whole life in order to advance the Kingdom of God have a crippled, bitter heart? How does a person, actively serving in church ministry walk around with a heart bereft of life?

I didn't realize my heart was so fallow until I felt the flicker of life come back. Ironic, isn't it? A lover of Jesus, walking around with stone for a heart? Giving and serving from a heart of cement? Praying for and ministering to others, yet having a cold, unfeeling heart?

I have been repeatedly wounded. Instead of allowing the Spirit of the Lord to minister to those wounds, I chose to bury them. Years and years of stuffing the pain and disappointment have caused my heart to go from tender to rocks. Honestly, I should have known better. But, here's what happened--I allowed the waves of pain, year after year, to tarnish my intimacy with Christ. This year, I pretty much stopped praying (Unless it was for others in a corporate setting.) and reading the Word. I didn't do a single Bible Study session. I didn't memorize my monthly scripture for the fun LPM thing in January. For the most part, I listened to country music, (Or rock, or 80's, or______fill in the blank.) But didn't fill my home or life with worship music. I did everything I could to avoid the pain. Oh, I was still hurting-but I avoided feeling the hurt and letting the Lord minister to me through the pain. It was just too hard. I didn't want to give in to the pain because I seriously thought my heart would break. And now, unfortunately, the pain is more intense as I surrender to the work of the Lord.

The good news is He is gentle and kind. The Lord is gracious and full of compassion-slow to anger and abounding in love. I know this healing is probably going to take some time, and I'm okay with that-because hope has come. I feel the sweet Spirit of God softening the dry places and it is good.

My desire is to be used of the Lord. I've been a wreck for a good two years-but HE can still make me into someone usable! It is my desire to see Romans 8:18-the verse I claimed as a teenager when I first gave my life to the Lord, to be worked out in my life today.

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. Romans 8:18

God, come and reveal Your glory so that even these past two years in the desert will not be wasted.

Wow, it has been a LONG time!

2009-08-24T09:36:00.002-04:00

I am so embarrassed! How I have neglected my blog for over two months is beyond me. Seriously, at one point in time I took care of this blog like it was my 4th child, I am cowering in shame, I've neglected my baby! ;) How do I just jump back into blogging after being absent so long??

Life took over this summer! It has been a wonderfully LONG and relaxing season but now I am on the brink of a new year. The activities of the fall will cause order to my life, which is a good thing! Four classes will keep me busy, along with both boys playing football and the two youngest playing soccer. (PJ is giving up soccer, please bear with me as I grieve this loss.) I have my menus ready for the semester, I have my books purchased, I have my calendar filled in, I have the school supplies purchased...it seems as if we are ready for the madness to begin!

It is my true desire to write again. I hope this new season allows me the time to pick up where I left off last September! I am not taking a writing class this semester, so that will not be a valid excuse for a lengthy absence here at Facedown. (Last year I had to write so many essays for two writing classes that I was always writing or revising something!)

There's so much going on in my heart that will eventually make it here to the blog-but now is not the time. For now I will just say, welcome back old friend! Come back soon because I'm here. I feel the flicker of hope for a new day, and it is good.

First-to-Know

2009-06-19T09:57:00.006-04:00

Do you have a first-to-know person? You know, the one person, outside of your family, that you think about first when there is something going on? You might even have a couple of first-to-knows. When there is a crisis, a death, or a broken heart? Or when there is good news like a good word from the doctor, a promotion, or the birth of a baby?

I was thinking about my list of first-to-knows. Who was on that list when I had my babies? Who made the short list? Who did I call when I received the news that my dad died? Who supported me in prayer, brought a meal, and cared for my children? Who held me when I couldn't stand?

The answer?

Jonathyn, Elayna, Heather, Matthew, Emily and Dathyn (front)

This family, the Floyds, have been our heart friends for 15 years. We met before any of us were married--and quickly became friends. We were there for each other during the trying times of young marriage. We were there when babies came. In fact, I missed being in the room when Emily was born by 15 minutes...and got to see Dathyn take his first breath. If I hadn't had c-sections, Heather would have been there for the birth of my last two babies as well. Yes, we are THAT close. They were there for us through the death of both of Paul's parents and my dad. They served us, prayed for us, loved on us, and did anything we needed no questions asked.

Matt and Heather moved to Florida six years ago this July. It was the first time I ever had to experience a parting scene as an adult. Tears and sadness shrouded the whole summer that year, and grief shook me to the core; but as time traipsed on, our friendship took on a richness we never knew. When we lived next door to each other we loved each other, but allowed little things to eat at us. Now, when we get to be together every moment is cherished. Little things don't bother us.

It has been three years since we have been together. THREE YEARS!!! (How in the heck did that happen Heath?)

Next week we will be spending time with our heart friends. We are going on vacation--seeing many loved ones along the way--with our main destination being Hilton Head Island. We are staying at the Disney Resort (part of the Disney Vacation Club, of which we are members) and have a three bedroom vacation home that sleeps TWELVE! We are over the moon with excitement to spend five days with the Floyd Family who will be driving up to meet us from sunny Florida!

And, just for the record, this couple is still on my first-to-know list. :)

Summer Goals

2009-06-16T19:28:00.002-04:00

I was challenged more this year than ever before in my life. I learned so many valuable things, not just about the subject of my classes, but the most valuable lessons I learned were about myself.

I learned...

I am smarter than I thought I was.
My husband is an amazingly supportive partner.
Flash cards are my friend.
My kids are very understanding.
Life is busy and priorities matter.
I can exist on very little sleep.
I work well under pressure.
I am motivated to succeed.
Lists help me to stay focused.
Having a plan is paramount.

I have been out of school since May 1st and it has been great. I spent the month of May busy watching my kids in their different activities and working two days a week. My last day of work was June 5th, which was also my kids last day of school. We have been spending our time together! Mostly swimming in our pool, taking walks, watching sports, playing, and shopping. We have had so much quality time, it has been so wonderful.

This summer there are a few things I'd like to accomplish. I thought I'd share a few of them with you, because then maybe you can ask me every once in a while how that list of goals is coming. So here it is.

Teach myself how to play guitar so I can worship in my home.
Memorize all 24 of my Bible verses for the year.
Organize my pictures and scrapbook them.
Write something meaningful.
Develop better eating habits.
Develop a regular exercise routine.
Become a runner.
Sharpen my spiritual disciplines.

I would love to be able lead worship. It is so deeply in my heart. I also want to share my story with others--I have such a heart to pray for others and minister--I'm not sure how it will all pan out, but I know I am being prepared for something!

I've loved the first six weeks of my summer break, and now I am ready to start hacking away at my list!

What are your goals for the summer???

Just a Thought

2009-06-14T17:33:00.002-04:00

Today is a beautiful day in the midwest! I missed church because I wanted to get some work done in the yard; we are leaving for vacation in less than a week and I still feel like there's so much to do!

While outside I saw the funniest thing. My dog was just hanging around the yard when all of a sudden she started to go crazy. She ran and leaped into one raised flower bed and sort of ran/jumped around in there back and forth like three times. Zoe and I were astonished by the dogs enthusiasm, but we didn't quite understand what made her go berserk...until a little chipmunk high-tailed it out of the flower bed and zoomed across the front porch right under the bay window to safety. Gigi followed the critter, but came up empty mouthed.

I laughed at my silly dog and went back to my weeding and then a thought occurred to me. That little chipmunk was lucky. My dog is 100 times bigger than that little thing and she is also very fast. The thing about Gigi is, she just likes to play. She probably would have caught the thing, but killed it while playing with it. The chipmunk ran for her life, and was successful in beating the dog.

I wondered to myself, how many times have I been that chipmunk? How many times have I run and run and run and finally, with my survival instincts kicking in, dove out of sight for shelter? My answer, too many times to count! I am very good at running. I am also pretty good at hiding when I feel threatened.

I am so glad that I have a God that pursues me. A loving God that doesn't tire of my antics and will chase me out of pure love, because He knows what's best for me. I am also so thankful that He doesn't let me hide too long. He is patient and lovingly draws me to the shelter of His wings. God's love is big and demonstrative. How great is our God?

Focusing on What is Real-

2009-06-12T08:04:00.002-04:00

Summer is my most favorite time of the year. This summer is especially cherished, because the school year was so nuts. I loved every minute of my first year in college, but I am so happy to have this time with my kids!

Paul rarely has to travel for work, but this week was one of those weeks that he had to go away. When my children were small, I did not look forward to him leaving for ANYTHING--now, it's not so bad! Of course we would rather have him home, but this time it was easy. Which brings me to the point of this post...

I am having a blast with my kids, they totally rock my world!

I love being in contact with friends I've met all over the United States through facebook, twitter and blogging...but I'm taking time to focus on what is real. I have "friends" that I've met in real life that used to just be commenters on my blog, and that was fun, but I have to keep it all in perspective. My kids--my husband--my life here in the beautiful midwest--my relationship with God. This is real life and I am so blessed. My family is my heart and I intend on enjoying them to the fullest this season, which might mean that I turn off the computer from time to time. :)

Laura

2009-06-01T17:11:00.005-04:00

I had the most wonderful weekend. Picking up Laura from the airport was a great moment. This girl has become my little sister in every sense of the word, and my arms and heart ache when she is away from me. It's hard to describe our relationship--she is just part of me now, and I love her like my own flesh and blood. ("Blud...blud...BLUD--NOT FUNNNNNYYYY" haha Laura!!)

Let me brag on my Laura girl for a minute. First off, Laura is a college graduate! (CONGRATULATIONS LAUR! I'm so proud of you!) Laura became a believer two years ago--she beat the odds. Statistics paint the grim picture that it is virtually impossible for a college student to become a Christian. It makes my heart smile knowing this information and seeing Laura not only walking with the Lord, but absolutely-sold-out-serving-Him is almost too much for this heart to handle. I praise God every time I think about it. I cry tears of gratitude over it because this girl is singing the song of the redeemed--she is so in love with Jesus it is evident on her countenance and written in her smile. I feel like a proud mama, and in small ways I am. She is the bomb.com--it is a privilege to have her in my life. I am honored and humbled that God placed her in my life, heart, and basement! ;)

I'm so thankful for sister-friends. Laura, keep on doing the thing--you're doing it SO well! I love you deeply.

Little Did I know

2009-05-31T15:15:00.002-04:00

Last August I got his little tattoo on my right foot; it was a thought and planned out event and the word "beautiful" was significant.

Isaiah 52:7

How beautiful on the mountains
are the feet of those who bring good news,
who proclaim peace,
who bring good tidings,
who proclaim salvation,
who say to Zion,
"Your God reigns!"

At the time I got this tattoo, my heart was turned toward the Lord in a very tender way. I was excited about the beginning of a new season in my life and I wanted to make a declaration; Where ever God wanted to take me on this path of life, I would share his message. Hence the "beautiful" on my foot.

Little did I know the places I would go this year. Little did I know how much that word, permanently written on my foot, would mean to me. Little did I know that it would take on a whole different meaning and how much I would cling to this new meaning.

It is very easy for me to see beauty in others, in fact, I love to point out all of the beauty I come in contact with. Be it a silly conversation, a quirky adolescent trying to find her true self, a worship song that drives you to your knees, a friend in the middle years of life taking the time to learn new things, or the way the sun paints my trees a mix of gold and crimson every fall; beauty catches my eye, fills me with delight and sometimes even takes my breath away. I am addicted to the way beauty makes me feel when I take the time to look and listen for it.

The down side of my personality is that I can be very critical. Through the temperance of the Lord, I have stopped being critical of others, but I have had a very hard time not being critical of myself.

I am an all or nothing kind of girl. My motto is "Go big, or go home." If I say yes to something, I am in it 100%. I am a very relational girl. I love people. I love my friends deeply. In fact, I have been known to be quite passionate when it comes to the people in my life that God has so richly blessed me with. I can't help it, it's who I am.

This year was incredible on one hand, but on the other it was also deeply disturbing. My life changed when I became a full time college student last fall. I loved every minute of my Freshmen year, did very well in my classes, and made the Deans List both semesters. These things are all that 100% in-it-to-win-it side of me. The side that is driven by a desire to be excellent at the things God has called me to.

The disturbing thing about this year is that my health has spun out of control. I'm not sure what is causing me to gain weight, because the only changes I have made to my diet/exercise routine have been for the better. At the beginning of the summer I was the same size I have been for seven years. Toward the end of June I noticed my shorts felt a little tighter than normal, but sometimes I gain a little weight in the summer, so I wasn't very worried about it. By the end of the summer I was one size bigger, and now I am wearing a size double the original size. I am a petite girl, measuring to a whopping 5ft 2 in. At my normal weight, I am pretty much middle of the road. I am not ultra thin, but I am usually satisfied with how I look.

This year, I am struggling. I have had the hardest time trying to get out of this slump. I would be lying if I said the weight didn't bother me. It bothers me. Even to the point of not wanting to go places where I know I will see people who I haven't seen in a while. Bothers me so much that I don't want my picture taken and don't want to post any recent pictures on my on my blog or facebook. Bothers me to the point of being inhibited about intimacy with my husband. In my head and heart I am relatively the same person I was a year ago, I am just wrapped in a layer of uncomfortableness.

The tattoo reminds me that my purpose in life isn't to be beautiful. Beauty is what happens when I am doing the will of the Father. Beauty is loving people until my heart aches, serving until my body aches, and praying until my knees ache. Beauty is so much more than my body, face and clothing. Beauty is a gift. The exterior beauty is only magnified by the inner work of the Spirit of God.

Long Time no Update!

2009-05-26T08:53:00.002-04:00

My heart wants to update my blog, but I get so distracted!!! In true FACEDOWN form, I will give you another list! (Why I feel the need to warn you is beyond me! :) )

It is the end of May and I am sad. For the last two years we have been honored to be the "host" family for college girls working an internship for Southwestern Company. About mid winter we received a call from the company and I regretfully told them we weren't going to be able to host girls this summer. It makes me SO sad to hang that up, but I know it is best for my family right now for it to be just us here. This year my time and mind were so preoccupied with school that I really need to focus on spending as much time with my kids while they are out of school for summer! The little twinge of sadness comes because having book girls live with us is not only fun, but it can be life changing. I know that my first ministry is to my family, which is why I also know that the season for book girls is over for now, but I am sad about it.
Laura is coming to visit this weekend. For those of you who haven't been following my blog for long, Laura was one of our original book girls, and happened to live with us for two summers. Laura is PRECIOUS! Laura was not a believer when she came to us that first summer, and now she is an amazing woman of God. I am so proud of Laura and filled with such emotion when I think of all that God did for her and all that she is doing for Him now! I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that God works in crazy ways when we follow his leading. It makes me excited to know the power of God, and that He is working in and through us.
I miss writing! I am going to try to update daily as soon as school/work ends for the summer. This blog is more than just words about my life...it is community. I miss it.
I feel like I need to really DO something to break out of the "self" funk I am in. I talked about going to NYSUM earlier in the month and I am going to start focusing on that in the next couple of weeks.
I want to make a difference in this world. It drives me. It is the reason I've gone back to school, it is the reason I exist. I know the pit I came from and how the course of my life was altered because someone made a difference in my life. I want to be that someone. I want to touch the untouchable, love the unloveable and reach the unreachable. I have to, I am compelled by Love.
Sometimes I wish I wasn't so intense! :) (Example? See above ;)!)
My twenty-year class reunion is in July. Holy smokes. I'm not absolutely positively going. I might wait it out and see who else is going. (Lame, I know.) But that stinkin' insecurity comes rushing back whenever I think about being there without friends. Plus, how much fun would that be? I'll answer it for you, NONE. The tickets are $89.00 per person...I better have fun if I am spending that kind of cash! Seriously, I am a little sad that the people planning it wanted to have it downtown Detroit in a hotel. (Read:dressed up and uncomfortable.) I SO wish it was going to be closer and casual. (Both are also valid reasons to consider not attending.) The extra weight I am carrying isn't helping me make this decision. (I wish this wasn't the ugly truth about me, but it is.)
Ending on a light note, summer is almost here and that is enough to make anyone smile! I adore summer. The late nights, the sleeping in, the icee wrappers all over my yard, the kids making noise, the friends dropping by to swim, the heat, the humidity, the romance, the music. I love all things summer. Summer starts in 11 days! Yay for summer!

New Amy Grant CD!

2009-05-06T16:04:00.002-04:00

I'm sure every Christian women blogger saw this first on BooMama--but I am entering the contest over there so I have to link it to my bloggy! Check out the grand prize. (Actually, no, don't check out the grand prize ;) )

Amy Grants new CD-4 songs already on itunes!

Living In Excess

2009-05-01T17:18:00.002-04:00

The past few days I have been reading about the experiences that the compassion bloggers have been having in India, needless to say, it's rocked my world.

As I read about the poverty and despair the people of Calcutta my heart wants to do something. I live in complete excess. I have every need met, and so many wants as well. We are blessed. And we give. Our family motto is "Live to Love, Live to Give" We do our best to demonstrate the love of Jesus in our actions, words and deeds, but I want to give more. I want to go out of the comfort zone. I want to go to the weak, poor and needy. I want to offer a cup of cold water, in the name of the Father. I want to make a difference in my world. Not by just giving money, but by giving more.

I had the opportunity to serve the Lord on an urban mission trip and I am thinking it might be time to share the experience with some friends.

While at NYSUM I had the opportunity to minister to people right on the streets of New York City. My team went in the summer and we literally ministered in parks, in the public school day camp program, in the oldest mission in NYC-The Bowery, (Where we got to go out to Alphabet Park with a "ministry truck" which was a small truck stocked with a sound system and the side of the truck literally dropped down to make a stage, where we got to sing right out on the street. I'll never forget that!) The most life changing thing we did was go out at 11:00PM and take food and toiletries to the homeless right into their cardboard homes. We spent time listening to their stories and praying with them. It was life changing.

So, how about it bloggy friends? Here is the information: The New York School of Urban Ministry or NYSUM is a ministry run out of Queens, New York. It has been in existence for 25 years and they have their fingers on the pulse of NYC.

I know many of us are SO busy and the thought of leaving our families for an extended period of time is pretty much out of the question, but NYSUM has weekend trips. We could choose one of their pre-planned weekends or we could have them plan a weekend specifically catered to our areas of interest in urban ministry. (We could actually go anytime of the week, it doesn't have to be weekend.) Also, it is very affordable. Especially for a weekend trip, so raising support might not even be necessary, but if that is something you would need to do, I can help with the particulars of that!

Let me know if you are interested. It can even be something we put on the calendar for next year. I am completely open. There is not another group of women I would want to do this with. Let me know if you are interested and I can plan it.

Me and My Lists...

2009-04-16T16:10:00.004-04:00

So, it has been a crazy couple of days but WOW, I am motivated when I have a list! Just yesterday morning I realized that school is really ending next week. There were just a few things that needed to be done before next week, so I started my list. It is truly amazing how many little things can add up to quite a list. Yesterday morning I thought I had a really good handle on what needed to be done...then I realized what happens next week.

This is what life will look like for the rest of the spring, and it all starts Monday.

Soccer practice x 3. (I coach one team.)
Baseball (Jacks) two nights a week. (Mon/Wed.)
Track (PJ) meets two nights a week. (Mon/Wed.)
Track (PJ) practice the other three nights.
Gymnastics (Zoe) (Friday)
Soccer games. (Sat A.M.)
Paul's soccer practice. (Thurs/Sun.) YES...my husband plays soccer too. Ug

Ummm yeah.

Okay, so here is what I needed to get done, in order to be able to do all of the above.

Diet Analysis for Nutrition class. (Five pages.)
Three chapters of extra credit questions for Nutrition class.
Art Appreciation paper. (Five pages.) --I also had to visit the gallery to get the information to write the paper.
Art Appreciation extra credit paper. (Two pages.)
Basic Communication speech outline.
Basic Communication paper. (Two pages.)
Basic Communication power point for speech.
Comp B paper. (Five pages.)

So I basically kicked butt. I have the first six things on my list completed. (Did I mention that I just made this list yesterday morning? And I worked yesterday?)

I am going to do my power point during Art Appreciation class tonight. (I can multi-task in there.)

I am going to write my paper tomorrow while I am at school because my comp class is canceled AGAIN, so I can kick it out then and still have time to revise it before it is due next Tuesday.

Have I mentioned how much of a nerd I am?

Yeah, I thought so.

The really good news is...I will be FREE in two weeks!

I am going to blog again! YAY!

Until then....

30 x 5 Challenge Update!

2009-04-13T09:05:00.002-04:00

Well, well, well! Here I am updating you on the 30 x 5 challenge I wrote about two weeks ago. Yes, I started out with a bang! We had a few nice days and I walked outside, it was wonderful! Then it got cold again, which was downfall number one. Downfall number two came when I had to finish my term paper. Oh yes, I pretty much spent the majority of four days writing, which meant I was sitting on my butt! When I wasn't writing, I was running around with my kids, because they need attention and stuff. We had two big birthday parties during that time and well, the excuses, they just keep coming!

If this challenge had been the 30 x 5 excuses to NOT exercise, I would be taking home the medal baby!

So here I am, trying again. I am not so sure how it will work out this time either, since it is the last two weeks of school...then dreaded finals week. I only have three papers to write, well four if you include the one in-class essay next week. But, yeah, I'll give it another whirl, because "I NEVER QUIT TRYING!"

So, today is the first day...I have hope.

:) Thanks Lid for making this all possible!

Jackson is 10!!!

2009-04-06T01:00:00.000-04:00

You keep us on our toes with your energy, but I adore your enthusiasm for life. If I could bottle up what you have, I would make millions! You are so loving, you are so thoughtful and you are amazingly precious. I love your heart. You make me laugh and smile and you compel me to be a better mom!

This year you...

...got a new hat for Christmas that you wore continually...

...went boarding a few times and loved it, and rocked it...

...could be found toting your little sister, because you are an excellent

bigbrother...

...spent the winter playing basketball for the first time on a team...

...oh, and ROCKED, by the way...

...loved on your little cousins....

...met your best buddy and spent a ton of time with him...

...went ice fishing for the first time...

...got to play Joseph in the Christmas play...

...lit up our lives every single day!

I love you son, you are sunshine!

Wasn't it just yesterday?

2009-03-30T10:33:00.007-04:00

My sweetie is SEVEN! How can that even be? Wasn't it just yesterday that Dr. Compton exclaimed, "You got your Zoe!"... Wasn't it just yesterday that I talked Dr.

Compton into letting me out of the hospital after just two days, even though the mandatory stay for a c-section is three?... Wasn't it just yesterday that I got a thrill every time I changed a diaper because it contained all of the parts that made her a GIRL after changing two baby BOYs diapers?... Wasn't it just yesterday that I bought a little pink bikini for my sweet little princess?...Wasn't it just yesterday that she slept peacefully in her little white crib with purple bedding? Wasn't it just yesterday that she nursed for hours, which made me sit and snuggle her instead of running constantly and doing a million things? Wasn't it just yesterday??

Zoe getting wrapped up in the parachute!

My little monkey climbing the rope!

Monkey #2 climbing the rope

Monkey #1 Climbing the rope!

Everyone listening to the coach explain how

to jump safely into the foam pit!

All of the kids!

The birthday girl getting her jump on!

No, yesterday she we celebrated her SEVENTH BIRTHDAY! My heart will never be the same, she changed me and I am forever grateful!

Heart Stuff

2009-03-25T18:06:00.002-04:00

No, this is not a figment of your imagination, I am posting two days in a row!

Here are my thoughts.

I haven't written anything remotely spiritual in a very long time and today I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. You know, kind of examining my heart and trying to figure out what is going on with me?

Here is what I have come up with. I am a little bitter.

This might sound strange, but I don't know what I am bitter about, but it seems that every thing that comes out of my mouth is either sarcastic, or a complaint. Not. Good.

I have had an interesting year. Yes, I have been in school, which has been a great bright spot, but there have also been some pretty huge things happening in my world that have nothing to do with school. Some ministry stuff. Some family stuff. Some marriage stuff. Some stuff totally out of my control. But not all of it.

I read a quote last week that said, "Don't magnify your problems, magnify your God." Maybe somewhere along the rocky path of life I took my focus off of God.

Here is what I do know.

I feel as if I am just going through the motions right now.
There is no real passion in my life.
I used to be very passionate about many thing.
Sometimes I feel very fake.
I know all of the right things to say and do.
I am tired of complacency.
I want to burn again.
Somehow, I need to fan the flame.

The interesting thing about even writing this post is that I am really unemotional about it. I feel lost between ambivalence and lethargy and I don't really know how to change it. Some people can cruise through life this way, but I need to feel the passion. I thrive when the fire is burning bright. This place is a little scary, because I can see how easy it could be to just fade back into the landscape and never stand out again. But this is what I do know: God has created me for more than this, and I am the one who is missing the mark. This truth alone is compelling me to the path I need to be on. I hope it happens quickly.

It's About Time...

2009-03-24T14:08:00.002-04:00

For another bullet point list of random thoughts!!!!

You might notice the button on my side bar...30x5. Yes, Linda over at Second Cup of Coffee has created an opportunity for a fitness challenge. It isn't too long of a commitment to make me want to quit, yet it is long enough to possibly get me on the right track toward forming a new habit. Two weeks, thirty minutes of huffing and puffing, five days each week. I can do it! (Oh, and huffing and puffing does NOT mean aerosols and cigarettes!)
I can't come to grips with two thoughts that ran through my brain today. First thought: I can't WAIT to write my research paper. Second thought: I LOVE my nutrition class. Wha?? Seriously, what the heck happened to me? I don't understand where this is all coming from, but, well I am a nerd.
I love Laura so much that it hurts to be away from her. You know? Laura, my book girl? Yeah, seriously, I don't think I could love her more if she had my blood running through her body. She is so precious and God is doing such a good work in and through her. I can't describe the feeling of watching someone go from darkness to light. She is an amazing girl and I am SO proud of who she is.
I got to lead worship last Sunday at church. It was the first time in probably six years that I was the main leader. (And six years ago it was a one time thing too...not like I have ever had that responsibility for any length of time.) It was challenging. I liked it, but I'm not sure anyone else did. I am not a trained vocalist, I am a hack. I am the first to admit that I can't find the right key/note if I don't have it plucked right out for me. (Meaning, I do not have perfect pitch and can not just hum a C.) When the band is playing I am a'ight dawg. I am very comfortable singing as part of the team, but being the leader was hard. I think I would do it again, but I would need to do it when my voice hasn't been compromised by a stinking, hacking cough for 12 days. Yeah, it was THAT much fun.
I am feeling so defeated when it comes to weight and my body. I've tried not to dwell on it much, but seriously, I have to shed some poundage. It is reaching a critical stage for me.
My kids know how to keep me laughing, but, trying to keep it real, sometimes I think I will go crazy the next time Zoe asks if she can have a friend over. EVERY SINGLE DAY. The first thing she says to me when she gets off the bus is, "Can_____come over today?" I love that child, but she needs to learn that we can't play every minute of every day.
Another thing about the princess: She gets piping hot when I tell her to clean her room. Seriously, she will pitch a fit and then go off to her room crying. When I go check on her she is usually curled up on her bed ASLEEP! She escapes through napping and it is just not acceptable! ;) Seriously, though, how can I wake her and make her clean her room? She is a tad bit spoiled.
Last night I went to the school board meeting because rumor had it that they were going to announce the closing of our elementary school. It was interesting and I had to pull my hood up at one point when uncontrollable laughter hit. It was when the board members got all up in each others bid-ness and one guy kept saying, "We need to vote on the amendment of the proposal." and another guy kept saying, "First we have to divide the question." It was ca-ra-zee! I wanted to go up to the podium and say something when they released the public to ask questions, but I wimped out. Although, I did try to start a "SAVE OUR SCHOOL" chant, but my friends sitting with me were way too mature for that! In all seriousness, I am sad that my kids will be shuffled around. Stinking school board.
FYI-the teachers in our district have a rockin' health care plan. Their dependents get to stay on their insurance until they are 30 years old as long as they are a full time student. THIRTY YEARS OLD. I'm sure if the teachers would take a cut in their health care package we might be able to keep our kids school open.
Anyone have any ideas as to how we might raise $750,000? That is how much it costs to keep the school running for a year. I seriously thought about setting up a website. Hey, don't judge!
I'm done now! Have a good week!

A Little Update

2009-03-14T09:45:00.002-04:00

I am excited to report that I only have seven more weeks of school! (I am SO excited!) I have loved this process. Seriously, learning has been so fun!

My classes are going well and I believe I will be on the Deans List again, which is my goal each semester. This year I have developed a really good discipline for getting my work done, and I am looking forward to next fall, but I am going to enjoy the summer to the fullest extent! I get out of school a whole month before my kids do so I am really looking forward to being able to catch up on stuff around the house before we are all home everyday!

One really big fun thing is I am finally having my bedroom painted! One of my best friends is an artist and she paints beautiful faux finishes. We are having her put a really pretty finish on our walls and I am SO excited! Last summer I bought a new comforter set, knowing this was coming, and I am so excited to see it all come together! I really want to paint my furniture too, but I'm not sure if Paul will go for that! He is pretty traditional and doesn't like to paint over wood.

We are in the beginning stages of some much needed updates here in the Butcher house, some of our short term goals are

New floors. (Wood in the Living room, kitchen and dining room. Slate in the mud room and foyer.)
Fixing a leak in the ceiling around our fireplace bricks.
Having the ceiling fixed and then new paint in the kitchen.
Update the light fixtures in kitchen, dining room and bathrooms.

You don't even want to see the list of long term goals! :)

Well, I better get working. I have a term paper due in a few weeks that I was supposed to write last week while I was on spring break. I decided not to do it then, but I need to do it now so I don't feel under the gun later!

Hopefully I will have something more fun to say next time!

I'm an eensy bit tired of...

2009-03-03T20:31:00.002-05:00

Tweens calling here non-stop looking for Taylor*Swift because my precious computer genius of a son thought it would be funny to put our phone number on a message board as hers.
PJ acting like a 1950's husband..."When are you going grocery shopping?" "When are you making dinner?" "You didn't get my Arizona Iced Tea???" (Thank you son, I don't need another husband, I already have one, and by the way...he doesn't even ASK ME THOSE QUESTIONS!!!)
Winter/Snow/Cold/Gray
Allergies. I am going to the doctor and getting some medicine.
Begging the kids to do their chores. Maybe I'll stop doing mine too.
Seeing the first lady on magazine covers. Vogue. People. I don't buy these magazines, but really, what makes her more special than an other first lady?
Not to mention, the media making a HUGE deal about every single thing the first family is doing. Just this morning on the Today Show they did a segment on multi generational families. Like the first family is the inventor of having Grandma live with you to help with the kids. PLEASE.
This rant...it's over now!

It'll Be a Great Week To...

2009-03-02T08:14:00.003-05:00

...write a research paper early, so I can feel free.

...have lunch with a good friend!

...finish my flash cards. (250 pieces of art I have to memorize for

the final in Art Appreciation.)

...eat well every day. (I have a high school reunion this year...

gotta get back into my clothes.)

...watch a movie in the middle of the day.

...finish the book I started over the weekend! (Reading for fun YAY!)

...decide the subject of my next

speech for Basic Communications class and write it.

...turn up the music and dance!

...spend Friday with my kids, they don't have school!

...listen to some new music my friend wrote.

...blog more.

...slow down and enjoy the small stuff.

...make a difference in someone's life.

...love big.

Mid-Term Week

2009-02-23T10:07:00.002-05:00

It is mid-term week this week! It feels so good to be 3/4 of the way through my first year of school! I have learned SO much already, my brain is on maximum overload! I am totally looking forward to summer because I want to give the old melon a rest! I am also looking forward to being outside, the warmth, the sunshine, the green grass, need I go on? I am such a summer girl, it isn't even funny!

This week will be extra busy, as I have a mid term in all of my classes. The good news is, they are pretty staggered. One Tuesday, one Thursday and two Friday. I have a good plan for studying, so I am confident I will do well.

The highlight of my week, with out a doubt, will be Friday night. What am I doing Friday night? I am hanging with the Misfits for a night of Mexican food and laughter. I love these girls like they are my own sisters. Their presence in my life is a gift and I adore them!

Until then, I am kicking it into high gear.

Time to get this week done!

Imagine My Surprise...

2009-02-20T09:13:00.004-05:00

Jackson went to Luke's house yesterday to hang out and they decided to run over to Salvation Army where they could scour the racks of secondhand clothes. They like to wear basketball jerseys and sometimes they find great deals on the perfect jersey!

They went back to Luke's house for a little while after their successful trip. Luke's mom is one of my best friends and when she called me, laughing, she got my attention. She wanted to inform me that Jackson found a great deal at Salvation Army!

He bought is OWN hoodie back.

(The best thing about this story is...I never donated that hoodie! He must have left it some place and it was donated!)

It is a good thing his last name and football number were on the back of the hoodie! (Too bad whoever donated it didn't see that and return it to us!)

Oh, and he got it at the bargain price of $2.99!

:) I love that kid!

Valentine Surprise!

2009-02-16T20:30:00.002-05:00

We have never been big on celebrating Valentines day. I am not quite sure why, but both Paul and I are just too practical to fall for the commercialism. I love that we are on the same page with this. Usually, we don't even give each other a card. That is not to say we don't give cards randomly, because we do. I think Valentines day is no big deal to us because we try to express our love for each other often, which is why what Paul did Saturday was a surprise.

Paul took our boys and a couple of friends to a youth conference called Acquire the Fire on Saturday so Zoe and I were just hanging out. We were invited to go to a dinner party that evening and I had just showered when all of the boys got home. Zoe hopped in as I was getting out, so she was in my bathroom when Paul came into the bedroom. He was holding his hands behind his back and when he saw me he puled out one hand which held a beautiful bouquet of flowers, then he asked where Zoe was. I thought I knew what he had in his other hand so I put my flowers on the dresser and hurried Zoe out of the shower. She came out of the bathroom with her long wet hair hanging over the towel she had wrapped around her tiny body and immediately noticed the flowers on the dresser. Paul got down on his knee and motioned for her to come over to him. She had a huge smile on her face and said "DADDY!!!! You brought Mommy flowers? You brought your wife a valentine?" and then she kissed his cheek. Her joy in the fact that her Daddy had brought her Mommy flowers was just precious. Paul asked her, "Do you know who else I brought a flower for?" and she just squealed! Paul pulled his hand out from behind his back and blessed his daughter with a beautiful red rose.

The whole exchange made me cry.

I honestly don't think I would care if Paul never brought me flowers again, as long as he keeps bringing them to my little girl.

My husband is an amazing man. He is truly my life long love. My forever Valentine.

He is undeniably the best earthly father to our children. I love to see him lavish on our kids. I love to see his heart as he keeps all of the plates spinning.

My tears were happy. I didn't have a dad that brought me flowers. He didn't pray with me. He didn't gush over me. I know he did his best, and I don't hold it against him. I believe if he were still alive, he would have gotten around to those things, because I know he loved me and he showed it to me as an adult in many different ways. He was a good man. Although, seeing my little girl have what I didn't have as a little girl filled me with such great joy. I love that Paul shows the love of the Father to our children.

I love that man so very much.

Okay, OKAY!!

2009-02-13T17:28:00.002-05:00

So, I got a couple of comments recently hinting that I haven't updated my blog in a while. That was a lie, there was no hinting about it, really. It is not like I don't want to update my blog, it is just that honestly, not much is happening. Or, too much is happening and I just can't articulate all of it very well. Yeah, that is probably it. Plus, I am cheating on my blog. Facebook has sorta moved in and crowded out my affection for my blog. I fluctuate really, I enjoy writing my blog because not very many people that I actually know read it, so I know I will get back to writing regularly, but my brain is occupied with all things school again, so try to be patient with me. I will get it back! I promise!

I think I will make a list, as to not bore you to tears with my innate ability to drone on and on. Here goes.

1. School is good. I have four classes again and they are fun!

2. I am not doing very well in Nutrition class, probably because I have never taken Chemistry.

3. I feel dumb when my professor talks about atoms and molecules and bonds.

4. No wonder I have gained 25 pounds this year!

5. (I wish I was kidding!)

6. I am sick of the cold, but it is here to stay for another couple of months. BLECK!

7. However, I can see my grass-the snow melted during unusually warm weather.

8. I like unusually warm weather.

9. I am unusual.

10. Friends of ours were just chosen to be adoptive parents after a 9 month wait!

11. They found out yesterday that it is a boy!

12. I couldn't be more happy if they were my own flesh and blood.

13. I miss the Misfits and am looking forward to our Friday night out in 2 weeks!

14. I totally know I talk too much and need to work on that.

15. I have known about that since kindergarden, when my teacher wrote "Talks too much" on my report card.

16. I am severely lacking sleep.

17. I want to nap every day.

18. I am not as addicted to dove dark chocolate as I used to be.

19. But I still like it, I just don't have to have it every day.

20. Coke is not my friend, but I drink it more now to stay awake.

21. See #4.

22. It makes me happy to talk to my book girls.

23. My husband has been doing the majority of the laundry for the past few weeks.

24. He complains about the sheer volume of laundry every single day.

25. I am so bored, you must be too.

26. Good bye!

I Can't Help It

2009-01-25T21:03:00.003-05:00

Recently, I had some friends over and while we were chatting one of them said that she didn't like to get into political conversations with me because "I always have to be right." Ouch. I can appreciate those words to an extent, but in this context they really left a sting, because I know my heart.

As with any hurt, I took it to the Lord and asked Him to reveal any truth in that statement and any ugliness that would be in my heart as a result of it being true. Then I started to think. After much introspection, I came to the answer. I have actually always known this about myself but it really flashed itself out there like a neon sign when I thought about the context with which those words were spoken to me.

I hate injustice.

Injustice is at the heart of many political talks. Abortion burns me up because, while good hearted people will go on about a woman's right to choose, all I can think of is what about the babys rights? When the declaration of independence says "That all men are by nature equally free and independent, and have certain inherent rights, of which, when they enter into a state of society, they cannot, by any compact, deprive or divest their posterity; namely, the enjoyment of life and liberty, with the means of acquiring and possessing property, and pursuing and obtaining happiness and safety." Where is the babys inherent right to life? Many people take the "in certain circumstances abortion is okay" stand, I can't do that. I know it seems radical, but every person has the inherent right to life. The baby has a right to live. It is a terrible injustice when laws are passed to take away that right.

It is interesting when I talk to younger women and they share their strong feelings about women's rights. Listen, I am all for equality. Absolutely. I don't believe any gender is more superior, nor do I believe any race is. But do these young people realize that their generation has been raped? There should be approximately 50 million more people in our country, but they never had a chance at life. Fifty million. It is an atrocity, and I can't condone the raping of a generation. Not to mention, our good friends who have not had success in starting a family are on a waiting list to adopt a baby. We have women using abortion as a form of birth control and I have precious friends, whose hearts are in anguish, and whose arms are still empty. It is unjust.

Finally, I have come to realize that my passion runs deep, not because I feel the need to be right, but because there are things in this world that are just NOT right. It doesn't really have anything to do with me, it has everything to do with what God deems right. His word is hidden in my heart, and I can't separate myself from it.

He has showed you, O man, what is good.

       And what does the LORD require of you?
       To act justly and to love mercy
       and to walk humbly with your God.

Micah 6:8

Racism and My Generation

2009-01-22T05:00:00.001-05:00

I can't promise this will be that last politically charged post here at Facedown because for some odd reason, my thoughts have been drastically affected by what I have seen and heard. With that said, here's what's rollin' around in the old melon.

I had a hard time understanding my lack of emotion on inauguration day. I watched some of the pre-inauguration hoopla Tuesday morning, and noticed how much of what was being said on the television revolved not so much around President Obama, but more so about the historical significance of a black man holding the highest office in our nation. While I think it is a wonderful thing for a black man to be president, I was not surprised or impressed. It troubled me that I was indifferent toward seeing history in the making. I think I have figured out why.

Growing up in the suburbs of Detroit, I was always taught that the only difference between black people and white people was the color of their skin. I realize that there were places in our nation that didn't teach those principles, but it is what I was taught. I grew up believing that. The suburbs held predominately white middle class people, but busses ran from the city up to the neighborhoods. Also, we would see people of all cultures whenever we went down to the city to see family members who lived there. I believe the schools even played down the whole civil rights era in order to breed acceptance. I remember being taught about Harriet Tubman, MLK, Rosa Parks and others, but it was taught as history, and made to seem as if it had been eons ago.

I fully understand that other generations were taught differently and literally lived in the midst of racial turmoil. I get it. Although, my America has become tolerant of every race, tribe and creed. (Yes, there are still radical racists...I am aware they still exist, but I fully believe they are in the minority.) So looking at this historical event, to me didn't feel like a big deal, perhaps because I believed what I was taught about equality.

One day, right after the election I was watching the View, they were talking about President Elect (at the time) Obama and how this election was truly liberating. The conversation was mainly between Sherri Shepherd and Whoopi Goldberg, the two African American hosts. One thing they tearily agreed on was the fact that finally now they could reassure their children/grandchildren that black people can achieve anything and be successful. I was amazed at their feelings, because I was always taught that. I was also astonished that they failed to recognize their own success as being successful enough to be that role model for their children/grandchildren. All I could think of were all of the amazingly successful African Americans in our nation. Will Smith, Jesse Jackson, Condoleezza Rice, Colin Powell, Micheal Jordan, Oprah Winfrey, Miles Davis, to name a few. Not to mention all of the successful doctors, lawyers, professors, teachers, and business owners. (The list could be exhausting if I wanted to mark every area of life in which one can be successful.) I was always under the impression that with hard work, all people could be successful. It seemed to me that these women still felt the weight of racial inequality, and that made me sad. It made me wonder what they were telling their kids/grandkids before the election of our nations first black president. Were their words perpetuating racism? Is this election the pinnacle of success? Will it be enough to eradicate inequality from their minds and teachings? I hope so. Because the majority of white people do not measure people by the color of their skin. At least not in my circles.

Forgive me for my ignorance here, especially if your experience was not the same as mine. As I said earlier, I understand different regions of our nation still experience division. But this post is written from my experience in trying to understand my ambivalence toward what is truly a wonderful day in history. I wanted to document something about my feelings. So here it is.

May we all live in equality, embrace humanity, and love deeply.

A Letter

2009-01-21T08:47:00.002-05:00

Dear Former President Bush,

So many emotions rose in me as I watched your time in office come to an end yesterday. I was so relieved to hear your speech from Texas last evening. You seemed settled and happy.

I just want you to know how much I appreciate you and your role in history. Your time as President was marked for you as our nation came under attack in 2001. When I remember back on the days after September 11, 2001, your steadfast resolve is what sticks out most. You knew what you had to do, and you did it. As time continues on many have forgotten what it feels like to be vulnerable. Many have turned and blamed you for everything wrong in our country, and even the world. That is a heavy load for one man to bear. I want you to know that amidst the hecklers, there is one who appreciates your leadership. One who sees the bigger picture. One who looks back with gratitude and not dismay.

Former President, it is my honor to salute you. You have served our nation well. You deserve much more applause than has been given, I am sorry for the Americans who dishonor you. You will be missed.

Fondly,

A Patriot

Dear Mr. President,

On this, your very first day of work as the leader of the free world, I implore you to consider life. How is it that you say you value people, yet you are willing to pass a law that will provide for life, in its purest form, to be destroyed? Not only are you willing to pass this law, you have made it the first priority of your presidency. How am I supposed to believe the words you speak of caring about people when you are so sure that FOCA is the right way to go? Death is at the heart of this law that you are so eager to pass. Why is this not alarming to you?

I am sitting here watching the Today show with the main news being of your inauguration. People are treating you like you are a celebrity, that frightens me. I don't understand some of the words I heard yesterday, people were even giving you credit for the sun shining brighter. My heart is welling for compassion for you, because I understand the fact that you are only a man. In fact, eight short years ago you were mourning the loss of a failed campaign for a seat in the house of representatives. Imagine how the common folk must feel seeing you elevated to the highest level of office so quickly. It is unnerving, to say the least.

You made many promises on the campaign trail, and people are counting on you to come through for them. It was the main crux of your message. Unfortunately, I believe you have set yourself up for a fall. I hope you are able to come through for the people. Forgive me for having doubts.

As much as I disagree with your policies and am concerned for the state of our nation, I will pray for you. I will not dishonor you as a man, for you have been given this place of leadership by God. I fully believe I am to give honor to whom honor is due. It might very well be a test for me to do so, but I'll try my hardest. Even when your policies come to fruition, and abhorrent laws that endorse the murder of babies are passed, I will continue to honor the office of president, because my faith is in God, through Christ Jesus. None of this surprises him.

I pray that you will make it your top priority to keep our nation safe. It is truly all I ask.

Sincerely,

A patriot.

Not So Sure Anymore

2009-01-19T09:16:00.004-05:00

The other day I was storming through the house, very irritated. It was a case of my children purely being kids, not caring about putting their stuff away and being uncooperative as I was trying to get them to do a twenty minute tidy. All they wanted to do was what they wanted. Which at that moment was not be responsible for their own stuff.

I tried to explain that all I needed from them was twenty minutes and they could resume their previous activity as soon as we had straightened the house. (I just wanted to make dinner knowing the house was ready for my husband to come home...I like it picked up for him.)

Eventually I gave up on my prodding. This doesn't happen very often, because I believe in obedience, but I felt the irritation rising to boil over, so I just started doing it all myself.

Zoe watched me pound through the living room a couple of times and realized that I was mad and asked me about it. I replied the standard "I am so tired of you all just wanting, wanting, wanting and not taking care of what you have..." When suddenly she started crying.

The crying was not what alarmed me, it was what came out along with the tears. She yelled at me. GASP.

While I was grabbing stuff to take back to the bedrooms, I snatched something off the couch that she was playing with and at that moment she realized that she should be helping but it got her flustered. She grabbed it out of my hands and yell/cried "I'll do it!" to which I replied, "No, I will do it." to which she yelled again, "Mom, I will do it." to which I replied again, "No Zoe, I am going to do it." Finally she yelled, "No mom, I am going to do it, I will do it, I AM GOING TO DO IT."

Have mercy.

My baby. My only daughter. My heart.

I paused and looked at her, all almost-seven years of her. I decided at that moment that if I could freeze time, I would want to keep her little. I would want to preserve our relationship, the unimaginable adoration she has for me and the untainted affection I have for her. She is everything I ever dreamed of. She wants me in her life. She cuddles with me and tells me everything her little heart feels and says "I love you" a bazillion times every day! She wants me to put her to bed, do her hair, help her with her reading. She wants me right now.

My prayer is that as she grows, we wont lose that. Yes, friends will move into a portion of her heart, and they will give her stuff that I can't. She will be affected by her peer group and will have her heart broken. She will make decisions and choices that will shape and form her.

I just hope, beyond all hope that in the end, she stays the sweet girl she is today.

This love is a terrible love.

Well it's About Time!

2009-01-12T23:39:00.002-05:00

When I realized I haven't posted since last year I felt it necessary to fill you all in on all of the wonderfully mundane things going on in my world.

In a word. Snow. So much of it that I forgot what grass looks like. I am absolutely positive that nothing truly good comes of snow. (Okay, I got pregnant ONCE on a snowy day...but the other 2/3's of my children were mid July pregnancies.) --Oh yeah, I know you're glad you stopped here today!

Moving right along.

This semester I have four classes again. (I find it humorous that I misspelled "four" twice before I got it correct. Just shows that going back to school was the right decision for me!) Anyway, my classes are Communication Basics (speech), Comp B (also known as "Class that will kick my butt"), Nutrition (also known as "Class that will make me lose weight"...I have four words for you FOUR WEEK DIET DIARY.) and I also have Art Appreciation, in which I shall learn to appreciate art.

It looks like the semester will hold a ton of fun.

What is particularly fun is my little group at school. Yes, I found a group to hang out with. I never thought it would happen because, well, I'm old. But what is very interesting is the fact that the girls at school don't really give me the time of day. With a few exceptions, the girls have pretty much stayed away. So my group is a bunch of guys. (Rest assured, my husband has met these guys and even had them to our house for a home cooked meal, he approves.)

These guys are SO funny. They are original souls who just want to be authentic in their faith. We were in a political science class last semester and we bonded over conservatism. So the other day while I was talking to one of the guys we figured out why the guys at school are so much nicer to me than the girls. It all boils down to the fact that I am just a mom. They don't have to impress me. They don't have to be anyone other than who they are. They don't have to put on a show. And...

They don't have to worry that if they talk to me, I might go off and plan our wedding. (Christian colleges are notorious for being meat markets and I am officially and happily not looking to change my current status! I heart my man!)

So, back to the books! I am glad I met a few friendly faces along the way!

So, what have you been up to?

Random List

2008-12-29T11:09:00.002-05:00

I saw this on someone else's blog and thought I would give it a shot on my own! Feel free to copy/paste it and let me know if you do!

Swam with wild dolphin
Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
Been inside a Pyramid
Held a tarantula
Taken a candle lit bath (Love them!)
Said I love you and meant it (On a daily basis!)
Hugged a Tree
Bungee jumped
Visited Paris
Watched a lightening storm at sea
Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
Seen the Northern Lights
Gone to a huge sports game
Walked the stairs to the top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa
Grown and eaten your own vegetables
Touched an iceberg
Slept under the stars (Youth group days!)
Changed a baby’s diaper (Wow, this one is thrilling!)
Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
Watched a meteor shower
Gotten drunk on champagne
Given more than you can afford to charity
Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
Had a food fight
Bet on a winning horse
Asked out a stranger (He became my husband!)
Had a snowball fight
Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
Held a lamb
Seen a total eclipse
Ridden a rollercoaster (Hate em!)
Hit a home run
Danced like a fool, not caring who watched
Adopted an accent for an entire day (Drama class)
Actually felt happy about your life, even for a moment (All of the time)
Had two hard drives for your computer
Visited all 50 states
Taken care of someone who was too drunk.
Had amazing Friends (Love my friends!)
Danced with a Stranger in a foreign country (I live very close to Canada where we used to go clubbing.)
Watched wild whales
Stolen a sign
Hitchhiked in Europe
Taken a road-trip
Gone rock climbing
Midnight walk on the beach
Gone sky diving
Visited Ireland
Been heartbroken longer than you were in love
In a restaurant sat at a stranger’s table and ate with them
Visited Japan
Milked a cow
Alphabetized your CDs
Pretended to be a superhero
Sung karaoke
Lounged around in bed all day (My favorite!)
Posed nude in front of strangers
Gone scuba diving
Kissed in the rain
Played in the mud
Played in the rain
Gone to a drive-in theater
Visited the Great Wall of China
Started a business
Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
Toured ancient sites
Taken a martial arts class
Played a computer game for more than 6 hours straight umm possibly?
Gotten married
Been in a movie
Crashed a party
Gotten divorced
Gone without food for 5 days
Made cookies from scratch
Won first prize in a costume contest
Ridden a gondola in Venice
Gotten a tattoo
Rafted the Snake River
Been on television news program as an “expert”
Got flowers for no reason
Performed on a stage
Been to Las Vegas
Recorded Music (I got to sing on a CD at my former church when I was 16!)
Eaten shark
Had a one-night stand
Gone to Thailand
Bought a house
Been in a combat zone
Buried one/both of your parents
Been on a cruise ship (Never again!)
Spoken more than one language fluently (Does Pig Latin count?)
Performed in Rocky Horror
Raised children (Still at it.)
Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
Picked up and moved to another city
Walked on the Golden Gate Bridge
Sang loudly in the car and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
Had plastic surgery
Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have
Wrote articles for a large publication
Lost over 100 lbs
Held someone while they were having a flashback
Piloted an airplane
Petted a stingray
Broken someone’s heart
Helped an animal give birth
Won money on a TV game show
Broken a bone (My thumb!)
Gone on an African safari
Had a body part below the neck pierced
Fired a rifle, shotgun or pistol (I also cling to my religion ;))
Eaten mushrooms gathered in the wild
Ridden a horse
Had major surgery (Three c-sections!)
Had a snake as a pet
Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
Slept for more than 30 hours over 48 consecutive hours
Visited more foreign countries than US States
Visited all 7 continents
Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
Eaten Kangaroo meat
Eaten sushi
Had your picture in the paper
Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
Gone back to school
Parasailed
Petted a cockroach
Eaten fried green tomatoes
Read the Illiad
Selected one important author who you missed school to read
Killed and prepared an animal for eating
Skipped all of your school reunions
Communicated with someone without sharing a common language
Been elected to public office
Written your own computer language
Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream (Every single day!)
Had to put someone you love in hospice care (So sad.)
Build your own PC from parts
Sold your own artwork to someone that didn’t know it was yours
Had a booth in a street fair
Dyed your hair
Been a DJ
Shaved your head
Caused a car accident
Saved someone’s life

Shhhhhh!!! Don't tell Anyone....

2008-12-28T21:46:00.001-05:00

I am addicted to the Hallmark Channel!

Seriously, what the heck happened to me ad when did I get so geeky??

Merry (day after ) Christmas

2008-12-26T10:33:00.003-05:00

We had a great time with the Butchers on Christmas eve. It was a little bittersweet since it was the first Christmas without Grandma Butcher, although, because of that it did make for a very special evening. Yes, we miss the ones who have gone before us, but the reality of that makes us love deeper and hold each other tighter. I have said it a gazillion times, I love being a Butcher.

Christmas day was the most wonderful Christmas we have had as a family! Usually on Christmas we do our thing as a family then have to pull the kids away from their new stuff and run to one of my siblings homes, or start preparing our home for guests. This Christmas, my oldest brothers family is hosting, but he is a Firefighter and had to work yesterday, so it was decided by all to postpone the St.Peter Christmas Celebration until today! (Yes, St. Peter is my maiden name.)

That meant I got to stay home with my own little family on Christmas day! This is the first time we have ever done this. I just might be addicted! Here are some highlights from the day.

Reading the Christmas Story around the fire before a present is opened and dedicating our day to the One who gave us life.
Watching the kids open their gifts, and still being able to pull off a few surprises along the way!
Lingering around the Christmas tree as long as we wanted, or at least as until someone got hungry enough to make breakfast!
Eating Butchies famous french toast.
Putting curlers in Zoes new American Girl dolls hair! (Zoe wanted one SO badly and God hooked me up big time! She was SO surprised!)
Taking turns playing the wii. (All stinking day!)
Making our Mii people on the wii...my family was getting very irritated with me, especially when I figured out you could make your Mii have pink cheeks and high cheekbones! (I had to go back and change mine a couple of times!)
Watching my little girl kick everyones booty in bowling!
Her cute little hop as she bowls!
Playing against Paul in wii golf...he won, every time. I'm a little bitter. ;)
Not putting a lick of makeup on!
Playing The Pretty Pretty Princess game with Zoe!
Making dinner at my leisure!
Bundling up and heading out in the early evening to see a movie. (I didn't even get dressed, I just pulled some track pants over my flannel jammies!)
More wii.
Watching a movie really late!
Bedtime...oh wow, we are all still in our pajamas!

This morning was glorious for me. Paul took Jacks and met his brothers and some friends to go ice fishing, so I got to sleep in and here I sit. I could do this everyday, I love being with my family.

Tomorrow we have our annual brunch with the Waters family, we are hosing this year, so I better get moving!

Have a blessed day friends!

A New Look and OH, a Meme!

2008-12-20T09:41:00.004-05:00

I was tagged by Jacq for this meme, so I finally decided to make good on this tag! BUT first I need to say THANK YOU to Becky Jo because she is the friend responsible for my new look over here at Facedown! I have wanted to have a custom background on my blog for months now, and never made it a priority. I mentioned this one day to my real life friend Becky Jo, and BAM, the next thing I know, I have a funky new look! Becky Jo would love to work on your blog if you want to have any custom work done! Feel free to slip on over to her place and give her some love!

Thanks Jacq for tagging me...I've been out of the blog loop, so it's a nice way to jump in there.

8 TV Shows I Watch:

1) Leno

2) Fox News

3)The Biggest Loser

4) Grey's Anatomy

5) Brothers and Sisters

6) Extreme Home Makeover

7) Americas Funniest Home Videos

8) Law and Order SVU

8 Favorite Restaurants:

1) Kruse and Muir

2) CPK

3) PF Changs

4) Andiamo's

5) Bravo

6) Rochester Chop House

7) Ikes

8) National Coney Island

8 Things that Happened to Me Yesterday:

1) My husband is officially on vacation.

2) Sold a couple of text books on half.com.

3) Taught Zoe how to scrapbook.

4) Went to Target and got a new camera.

5) Made tacos for dinner.

6) Received 12 inches of snow!

7) Watched "Kit Kittridge" with Z.

8) Learned how to play "The Settlers of Catan" with some awesome friends and stayed at their house WAY too late!

8 Things I Look Forward To:

1) Christmas!

2) The Butcher Cousins party tonight!

3) Hopefully having a Blogger Girl Weekend here in MI this summer.

4) The new semester.

5) A ton of family quality time.

6) Seeing all the babies at Christmas!

7) Hilton Head in June.

8) Track/Baseball season. (I love watching my kids play their sports!)

8 Things I HOPE For: (This used to say wish, but I would rather put my hope in Jesus than make a wish!)

1) My family knows the depth of my love for them.

2) My kids choose to honor God with their lives.

3) My extended family come to know Jesus.

4) To see my spiritual family sooner rather than later.

5) My friends understand how much they mean to me.

6) My actions speak louder than my words.

7) To make a difference in peoples lives.

8) To leave a legacy of love.

8 People I Tag:

1) Susan

2) Becky Jo

3) Meeghan

4) Rebekah

5) Suzi

6) Alana

7) Darlene

8) Jill

The Report is In

2008-12-17T08:45:00.003-05:00

My life drastically changed in the fall when I decided to start keeping track of time by semesters and not days and months! Of course, I am talking about my recent return to academia.

As with most new things, school pretty much took over! Many times when I wanted to post a blog post, I was either too tired or too busy! Unfortunately, I even had to cut back on most activities that didn't either involve 1. my kids or 2. school.

I am afraid I have become boring. (Or maybe I have always been boring!) Even most of my status updates on Facebook were school related. (Yawn!)

So let me tell you, while I can't promise you that I won't talk about school again on my blog (because it is huge in my life) I will say that this is going to be one of the last posts you will read about school for a while!

But I have to tell you this.

I got three A's and a B+. (GPA=3.9)

Oh. My. Goodness.

I am so happy! I worked really hard and I feel incredibly accomplished, even though I still have nine semesters left. It is a great start to a very long journey.

What is the big deal? Well, I was never a good student. I kind of fell through the cracks and wasn't even encouraged to apply to college. When that is in your brain, sometimes it can lead you into a pit. A pit of inferiority, second guessing, and feeling inadequate. Deciding to get out of the pit and actually TRY to go to school, has been such a great joy!

I encourage you today, try to do that one thing you never thought was possible. You might find freedom in the midst of it!

Have a happy day!

Christmas Meme

2008-12-12T18:16:00.002-05:00

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? Hot Chocolate! (With a peppermint stick!)

2.Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? Santa doesn't bring presents!

3. Colored lights on house/tree or white? I'm a white light kinda girl.

4. Do you hang mistletoe? Nah, I've never owned any!

5.When do you put your decorations up? This year I decorated the Friday after Thanksgiving because I knew I had limited time in the beginning of December, which is when I usually do it!

6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)? I really don't have a favorite, I guess I love all of the appetizers at the parties we attend!

7. Favorite holiday memory as a child? One year we had a tree in the basement, My twin brother and I slept down there on Christmas Eve and watched the twinkling lights while we fell asleep.

8.When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? With one older brother and two older sisters, I don't remember ever believing in Santa.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? We celebrate with the Butchers on Christmas Eve, so yes, there are presents involved.

10. How do you decorate your Christmas tree? Upstairs-- My tree is more of a pretty tree, I have regular bulb ornaments and glass blown ornaments. There are special crystal ornaments, our "First Year" ornament, and all of the kids "First Christmas" ornaments. It has white lights and the main colors are red (my favorite) and white, and gold. It is pretty! Downstairs--The tree is sweet! It is a small "Charlie Brown" type tree with all of the homemade ornaments on it! (My mom has made me an ornament every year since I was a small child and had continued the tradition with my kids.) All of those ornaments are on that tree along with all of the ornaments the kids bring home from school and church! It is a fun tree!

11. Snow. Love it or dread it? I love it in Dec and Jan...not so much in April.

12. Can you ice skate? Yes, it as been a while.

13. Do you remember your favorite gift? A doll that my mom made me when I was in kindergarten. She was so huge to me at the time. I loved the fluff out of that doll, eventually she was armless! The fun thing is, last year, when Zoe was in kindergarten, my mom made her one too! PRECIOUS! My favorite gifts as an adult are #1. The depression glass my mom collected for me. It is a beautiful pattern and I love serving on pretty plates when I have brunch or a light meal with guests! #2. The set of silverware my mom gave me for Christmas two years ago. I treasure it because my mom knows how much I love to entertain and she blessed me with an antique box of beautiful silver!

14. What is the most important thing about the holidays to you? The people. (And Jesus!)

15. What is your favorite holiday dessert? Anything chocolate and OH...Edys Peppermint Ice Cream. Love. It.

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? Reading the story of Jesus birth by the fireplace followed by an awesome prayer time! Then opening stockings by the fire. Too fun!

17. What tops your Christmas tree? Angel (On both trees!)

18. Which do you prefer giving or receiving? I love giving...seriously, if it weren't for my smart husband, we would be broke from me giving and giving and giving!

19. What is your favorite Christmas song? All time favorite traditional song--O Holy Night. Favorite contemporary song--Behold a King Shall Reign.

20. Candy Canes. Yum or Yuck? PTL, I might one or two a season...but I only want the peppermint kind! No spree, jelly belly, sweet tart, jolly rancher or gobstopper flavored ones for me!

21. What do you want for Christmas? I pretty much have what I want!

22. Do you attend an annual Christmas party? Yes.

23. Do you dress up for Christmas Eve or wear PJ's? Dress up for the Butcher family party.

24. Do you own a Santa hat? Nope.

25. Who do you normally spend Christmas with? Usually we spend Christmas morning with just us but then we have to scramble off to one of my siblings homes, unless we are hosting, and then get home late and everyone is crabby. THIS YEAR...my brother is hosting and he has to work. (Firefighters still work on Christmas!) So we are celebrating with my family the day after Christmas which means we will be all alone for Christmas! I am very excited about this! VERY! We will probably stay in our pajamas most of the day and then take the kids to see a movie in the afternoon! Or not. It just depends on what we feel like doing that day! Plus I am going to make a delicious dinner! I am SO HAPPY ABOUT THIS!

Okay, since my readership is WAY down...if anyone wants to do this, consider yourself tagged! But leave me a comment so I can come read yours!

Celebrate Me Home

2008-12-11T17:09:00.002-05:00

There is a radio station here in Metro Detroit that starts playing "all Christmas music only" the day after Halloween. We do not start listening to this station until we are on our way home from our Thanksgiving celebration, because we prefer to thoroughly enjoy Thanksgiving before we start in on Christmas! Anyway, we were listening to this particular station the other day in the van and, of course we were joyfully singing along to all of the fun music when a song came on that was unfamiliar to the kids.

Reuben Studdards "Celebrate Me Home"

We were enjoying the soulful melody and continued with our natural banter until Zoe started singing along with Reuben. Only her version was a little more flavorful.

"Please, celebrate meatloaf!"

To which the boys and I fell into fits of laughter.

She rocks my world.

Well, what can I say? She's wild about my turkey loaf!

Winding Down

2008-12-06T09:18:00.002-05:00

I am feeling MUCH freer these days since my first semester back in school is coming to an end! I've learned so much, and am so thankful for this opportunity.

BUT...I've missed blogging! So, today I thought I would make a list of things I am looking forward to doing while on break!

1. Getting together with the Misfits, my goodness I have missed them!

2. Watching Zoe sing at her first grade Christmas music program!

3. Being at the school for the kids parties!

4. Reading for fun!

5. Blogging regularly!

6. Playing games with the kids!

7. Watching Christmas movies with the kids!

8. Riding my snow machine! (I wanna go fast! Shake n bake!)

9. SHOPPING!

10. Having hot cocoa/coffee with my girlfriends.

11. Making a gingerbread house with Zoe at her girlfriends house!

12. Spending Christmas day alone with just the five of us! (The first time ever!)

13. The Imitators reunion!

14. The Parliament Street kids reunion!

15. The Cousins party!

16. Singing at our church for the Christmas service!

17. Practicing.

18. Staying up late/sleeping in!

19. Lingering hot bubble baths.

20. Spending TIME with friends and family!

You will be hearing from me more in the next few weeks!

Perfect Gift Idea

2008-12-04T07:39:00.003-05:00

Hi Bloggy Friends!

I have a huge favor to ask you! Would you please go over to this site and check out my precious little sister?

Kaitlyn is Katherine's daughter, (My spiritual mom and mentor of 20+ years) and is a gifted woman of God. She has just released a CD of her incredible worship music. Kaitlyn writes her lyrics and music, although on this CD she has collaborated with another gifted musician. She has a heart to lead people in worship to the Father.

You can listen to little snippets of each of the songs on her CD. (I personally love the song Emmanuel...WOW!) If you are interested in purchasing her CD you may also do that right from her website.

She is also available to come to your women's group or church to lead worship. As you will see at her website, she truly has a heart and passion for Jesus.

Kaitlyn does not know I am posting this, in fact, she probably would cringe at any accolades I have given her, she is such an incredibly humble girl. But, I love her very much, and desire for others to be blessed by her amazing gift.

Let me know what you think!!!

www.kaitlynstover.com

Randomness is My Life

2008-11-23T22:02:00.003-05:00

Just some random things rolling around in my brain....

1. I have a heavy heart for the young people of today. They have been indoctrinated with the "tolerance" message which causes them to be wishy-washy in their beliefs. I have had conversations with young people who say they are passionate for Jesus yet they will ague for gay marriage rights, abortion rights and you name it. They have made a gospel to fit their beliefs by saying that they "don't interpret the Bible that way." It burns me up that a generation is being led astray.

2. I feel even more driven to train my kids up, not only to follow Jesus, but to know the word so they will not be lead astray.

3. I do not think Justin T*mberlake is very cute at all. Bringing Sexy Back? He never had it in the first place.

4. I am going to put my Christmas tree up Friday! (Aren't you SO glad to know that?)

5. I am seriously considering transferring schools for next fall. To heck with this "Christian" school stuff...not when I have profs, who are "professing Christians," telling me that God makes homosexuals and that someone can be born a male or female, but their gender can be different than their anatomical parts. Wha?!? I know! I can hear that at public college for a LOT less cash!

6. PJ, my teenager, is all moved in down in his new bedroom. In the basement. Far away from me. His teenager room, in the basement. Far. Away.

7. I have a teenager. I am old.

8. My husband wears a beanie cap all weekend long. I'm not sure how I feel about that. He does take it off for church.

9. I have five days off in a row! Yay!

10. I miss my blogging buddies. Although I am thankful for Facebook...it gives me my fix, without too much commitment.

Good night!

What a Wonderful World

2008-11-19T20:22:00.004-05:00

Paul brought home pizza for dinner because it is our fourteenth wedding anniversary and he wanted to bless me in a small way by taking care of dinner! The kids were sitting at the counter and I was sitting on the counter having a slice of pizza. --We are real formal around here! The conversation came around about it being our anniversary and Zoe went about wild begging Paul and I to dance after dinner. So, after we were finished eating I turned to my computer and played the song I walked down the aisle to, Louis Armstrong's What a Wonderful World.

While we were dancing, Zoe asked me if I still had my wedding dress. I told her that it was in the basement and she insisted on seeing it. Honestly, I don't think I have even looked at my dress since I put it in that bag on my wedding night. I didn't really like my dress. I loved the way it was supposed to look after the alterations were completed, but the seamstress did not follow directions and I ended up having shoulders like a linebacker. Not exactly what I was hoping for! I was a very easy going bride and basically took the dress as is instead of making a big fuss over it. Not to mention that one of our youth group kids at the time (Ahemm...Drew Holt...) stepped on my train at the reception and ended up ripping the seam up at the bodice. (It is still safety pinned!)

So I humored my sweet little princess and took her downstairs to see my not-so-treasured wedding gown. Taking it out of the closet and feeling the weight of it made me giddy with unexpected emotion. Maybe it was because my precious daughter was full of wonder over the whole thing and was looking at me like I was holding the Holy Grail. Excitement was oozing out of her and it made me so happy to see her being so star struck! Then I realized the reason my excitement was building was because I was holding her heritage in my hands.

The dress is not her heritage, but it represents my beginning as a Butcher. The very moment I stepped away from being "Teri Lee St.Peter" and became "Teri Lee Butcher" happened in that very dress. The joining of two hearts in covenant marriage happened. What she sees in that dress is what she sees in our marriage. A mom and dad who love Jesus. Parents who are crazy about each other and take the time to demonstrate it, so our kids see that married life is fun and alive.

So, after she ran her little fingers all over the satin and reveled in the beauty of the princess dress, I asked her if she wanted to try it on. Her squeals of delight could be heard through the basement and she immediately began to strip off her clothes so she could put on my dress. The moment she was stepping into the dress Paul came into the room. He said, "Are you going to make me watch our future? Do I have to have this preview of what will someday be?"

Yes. The little girl of my dreams wearing my legacy on her back.

Wonders Never Cease

2008-11-11T12:37:00.002-05:00

Yes, yes, I am posting. It is not a figment of your imagination, I am really here. I can not express to you how harried this season of my life has been. I know you all are busy too, so you can relate to what I have said. The past three months have just flown. My classes are all going well. I am hopeful that my grades will reflect the hard work that has gone into my first semester at college. It has been a bit of a whirlwind, but I have enjoyed it. The last five weeks are probably going to be the busiest, with papers due and finals coming. I am looking forward to Christmas break!

The best thing about this season of life is the time I have been able to spend with my kids. I know it might sound like an oxy moron, because I have just said how busy I have been, but honestly, I have been so much more aware of how precious time is, and how easily it is wasted.

I want you all to know that I have been keeping up on your blogs. I don't comment all of the time, but I do read faithfully! I am looking forward to sharing in more of your lives when Christmas break happens!

Until I have more to say...see ya later!

Again...

2008-10-23T14:56:00.002-04:00

The time for election draws near and here at Facedown, it is all I can think about. If you have a few minutes, watch this video. It is why this man will get my vote. It is why this man deserves my vote. He has fought the good fight for our freedom. He has suffered for our country. He has served, and served and served some more. He has my respect and my vote. Not because he is white, not because he is republican, but because he is the best man for the job.