A Fun Little List of Questions!

I saw this little questionnaire on Baby Bangs the other day and thought it would be fun to do so I ripped it off! ;)

1. What is your favorite thing to snack on while your blogging?
Dark chocolate.

2. What is one thing you wouldn't want to live without?
My straightener.

3. Beach, Mountains, or Farm? Where would you live if you had a choice?
Ooooh...beach.

4. What's your least favorite chore/household duty?
Toilets/bathroom

5. Who do people say you remind them of?
I look like my sisters, but no one usually says I remind them of anyone!

6. Prefer parties and socializing or staying home with the fam?
I prefer a healthy balance of both! I don't want to be gone from my family too much...we have lots of fun together!

7. What's your all time favorite movie?
Um, probably Mamma Mia! :)

8. Do you sleep in your make-up or remove it like a good little girl every night?
No, I'm a make up taker offer!

9. Do you have a hidden talent or a deep desire to learn something that you've never had a chance to learn? What is it?
I really want to learn how to play guitar so I can worship anytime!

10. What's one strange thing you're really good at?
Uhhhh, I'm really good at doing the worm. OH! And also I can do bunny hops on my kids bikes!

11. What first attracted you to your spouse?
I loved that he would worship Jesus uninhibited.

12. What is something you love to smell?
Clean sheets! Oh, and good food cooking! :)

13. Tell something about you that you know irritates people.
I talk too much. I know I do, I need to have self control over my tongue!

14. When you have extra money, what's the first thing you think to do with it?
Go shopping or take the family out to dinner!

15. Are you a silent laugher or a loud laugher? What makes you laugh the hardest?
I'm an out loud laugher, but not too obnoxious! My kids say some pretty funny things that make me laugh hard, but honestly the thing that makes me really laugh is watching videos of people falling down or getting hit with flying objects. I know it's terrible, but it's true.

16. Where is your favorite place to shop?
Hmmmm, I could drop a ton of cash at an electronics store or furniture store. (Love me some techy stuff!) As far as clothes, I like to pick through the racks at TJ's or Marshalls.

17. What's one thing you'd do more often if you had more time?
Hmmmm, travel.

18. Are you a big spender or frugal?
I like quality things but I'm definitely a bargain shopper!

19. Who is your favorite character of all time?
Probably Anne from Anne of Green Gables. Love her.

20. Would you want to be famous?
Wait, I'm not famous??

Feel free to take this from my page, but let me know if you did because I'd like to come to your blog to read the answers! :)

ANNOUNCMENT!!!

I've got my mojo back!

I know because of the title of this post you all thought I was going to share something life changing or monumental, and this is both of those things--let me explain.

I've just come through a several year season of incredibly heart wrenching stuff. Many dreams were smashed to smithereens, my heart went from soft and pliable to granite hard, my self confidence all but disappeared, and my emotions were off the chart. All of these things led me to be very introspective, withdrawn, and self-focused. (Which I loathe, by the way. Ugh.) There's nothing wrong with taking a little inventory--but this was like being locked in a room with me, myself, and I--with no exit strategy! It was awful, and I was unhappy with who I was at the time, but I had to walk down that road to get to this one.

I know we all have dark periods. Times when life isn't exactly going as planned. Times when we are at the end of our rope, treading water with our head just about overtaken by the proverbial water, and every other cliche used to describe those times when we just want to lay down in the fetal position and weep until there are no more tears. I'm certain you can fill in the blank with experiences from your own life that have caused dark times. Every person can empathize with feeling defeated. Darkness is no respecter of persons. And while I do believe there are different outcomes to dark places, I can't say comparing one persons experiences in the dark as worse than another--meaning, dark is dark. Suffering is suffering.

Do you ever lay awake in the middle of the night just waiting for days first light? The only thing that will dispel the darkness is light. In this instance, my night seemed to last an eternity. You can't imagine how thankful I am for the light in my life right now.

These are some of the ways I know my heart is changing--

• I'm laughing again-finding the little things in life that are funny and appreciating them!
• I'm experiencing freedom like I've never known.
• I'm excited about the future and am confident I'm on the right path.
• I'm enjoying living in the moment.
• I'm not complaining.
• I'm focused on my goals and believe I will achieve them.
• I'm thankful.

And the absolute best thing I can say about my current state of light, is that I'm outward focused again. I'm tuned in to people, looking for a place where I can make a difference. (For the past several years all I could do was meet the needs of my family--I've been doing that well-they have been my sanctuary, my place of comfort and rest.) Now, I'm excited about ministry. Ministry to the hurting, ministry to the broken, ministry to those who've lost their way. Not so much church ministry, but life ministry. I'm back. I'm different, and I've changed for the better, and I'm ready to love people--I'm ready to do that which God is pointing me toward--and I couldn't be more blessed.

I guess learning to appreciate light takes time in the darkness. I'm embracing the time I spent there, because it was a very pivotal time in my life. A time where my mind was changed, my path was changed, and my heart was changed; and while I can't say I'm happy that my heart suffered a hardening, I am very happy that it's becoming soft again. I'm happy that I lived through the brokenness to see this splendid light.

A Love Revolution

I am so blessed. Sometimes I complain about life. Sometimes my feelings get so out of whack and I blow things out of proportion. Sometimes sucky things happen. (Yeah, I just said sucky on my blog...get over it m'kay?) And sometimes I rant and rave, but I know from the depths of my being that I am BLESSED. It is rare that a day goes by with out a portion of it being spent with thoughts of gratitude. Seven and a half years ago Paul and I lost our dads within three months of each other. Having lost Paul's mom a few years before that, it left us with one living parent. (And an excellent step parent, my wonderful stepdad, Howard.) The experience of losing our loved ones has caused Paul and I to love deeply. We have an intense love for our children, our families, our friends, and people in general. We also understand that this life is but a vapor, and the only thing that truly matters is how we love. We've all heard the saying, "The one who dies with the most toys wins!" My personal philosophy is, "The one who dies having loved fiercely wins!" It's all that matters in this life.

So, how do I work out those days when nothing seems to be going right? How do I reconcile those times when life throws a curve ball? I just try to stay thankful.

This past year I've noticed a trend online that rubs me the wrong way every time I see it. It's a website devoted to allowing people to vent about how terrible they have it. Sometimes it's just people blowing off steam, and sometimes it's just blatant complaining, but the pervasive attitude of the people posting is negative. I believe the initial gist of the website was more or less supposed to be light hearted, but to me, it is just a downer. The website is called FML and the letters stand for "F#*% my life." Basically, people leave a sentence about something that is going on in their life but always ending their rant with the letters fml.

Here's what I want to do, I want to start a love revolution. I want to start a trend of gratitude instead of complaining. Yeah, there is a TON to complain about right now...especially if you live in Michigan. There is a great deal of loss going on all around me. Loss of jobs, homes, loved ones. There is a lot to complain about--but I'm refusing to do so. Instead, I am CHOOSING to focus on being thankful.

From here on out you will see LML following my facebook/twitter status updates. LML=Love My Life. To me, LML sums up everything I aspire to. Even in the darkest hour I want to be able to say LML. If you know me, you know that I'm about as open as they come. Part of living life poured out is being authentic, and I try to live as real as possible, but really, what does FML really profit anyone? If I have a bad attitude do you really want me spewing it all over you and your good attitude? See, sometimes I've chosen to be crappy in the name of "authenticity" just so people don't think that I think I have it all together. Believe me, I know I don't have it all together. I pretty much don't even have it HALF together. --But I do have love. I do have everything to be thankful for. I am blessed. LML.

Try it, and together we can start a love revolution!

Update of Sorts: A reunion, 2 Football games, and Muffin tops

I guess the ice cold coke I consumed at 5:30 this afternoon is good for something! While it IS keeping me from sleeping, at least I'm blogging. :)

Life has become quite busy and harried lately-but I like it. I know it seems rather odd to love the craziness, but I've never claimed to be normal! The weeks are flying by, filled with work and school and homework for me--but also filled with my beautiful family and all of their activities. I wouldn't have it any other way, unless it could all be done the same exact way in a state that stays warm most of the year...that is the only other way I'd ever THINK of doing it differently!

A big event took place last week. My 20 year high school reunion. Holy smokes. It was so fun. Shopping for what to wear to the big event? Not so much. The reunion was held in a private room of a restaurant/bar, so I knew I wanted to be casual, but my recent weight gain made it hard to find an outfit I felt half way decent in. My original goal was to buy a cute dress and wear it with my jean jacket and some chic boots. I took some time on the Friday before the Saturday night reunion to browse the racks at a local department store...well, to be honest, I frantically and not-so-gracefully tore through the racks at Marshalls, because let's face it, shopping on the Friday afternoon prior to a Saturday evening event is just NOT the smartest thing I've ever done in my whole life. Anyway, I went back into the fitting room with 8ish dresses. Tried them all on and decided on a very cute brown and camel dress. It was even flattering on my not so slender shape, and I really liked it! The only problem was the boots. I own knee high black boots, mid-calf brown boots, reddish/brown very cool and fun but not the right color boots, and some brown cowboy boots. Obviously I needed some brown knee high classic boots. So I moseyed ran to the shoe department and slowly and methodically feverishly spun through the boots searching for the perfect brown boot. Suddenly, a light shone down from heaven and there on the table was THE boots. The right height, heel was at a comfortable level and the color...well brown is pretty much brown, but they were knee high brown boots which is what I needed. Oh my lands, I was SOhappy, because they were very moderately priced as well. Like a whole outfit for $60.00. So I stepped out of my flip flop, wrestled my foot into one of those bottom-half-of-the-foot-only foot liners, slid my foot into that perfect brown boot, and clunked with one high heeled boot and one flip flop over to the closest mirror. Just as that bright light from heaven shone upon the boot when it was on the display table, it came again and shone precisely on the muffin top from mychubby knee bulging over the top of the boot. Okay, so maybe it was my critical eye, but the boots went back to the display table and I went to plan B. What pray tell was plan B? Wide legged jeans and a black top.

Here is a picture of me with my precious friend, Michelle. We've been friends for 30 years.

You know what? I hardly thought about what I was wearing, how I looked or how much weight I gained, rather I caught up with some old friends and had an absolute RIOT! Somehow, none of the insecurities I've dealt with up until that evening carried into the reunion, and they really haven't come back either. (Don't get me wrong, I really want to fit into all of my clothes again, but I just don't feel bad about myself because they don't fit right now.) It's really a good victory--probably one I've needed for a long time. The words from my former classmates that night were very kind. Somehow, in 20 years I haven't changed a bit! ;) You can be the judge of that!

Senior Picture 1989

Well, I don't have time to write about the football games--but look back in a few days, I might just post again real soon! Honestly, I want to tell those stories too, I just need the proper time to give them justice! :)

In Remembrance

I wrote this for a class last year. The assignment was to write a descriptive essay--this was the result. I know it's a little long, and I did post it around the election last year, but I just wanted to post it in honor of this day, and what it means to me.

The Day The World Changed

The sun brilliantly poked through the dusk, spilling golden warmth into the windows of the Victorian homes that lined Main Street. September 11, 2001, dawned like many mornings in our busy home. The whoosh of the traffic outside my window was my alarm clock, startling me out of dreamland so I could fulfill my responsibilities as mother extraordinaire, a job that had become increasingly harder since the exuberant news that I was pregnant. Morning sickness was my nemesis, fighting to defeat me each moment of every day. The only true consolation to rousing out of my pitiful slumber was that once I got my older son off to school, my workload decreased by half.

Shuffling through the house, I flipped the light switch in my boy’s bedroom as I gently sang a sweet spontaneous wake up song. A soft tickle here, a subtle shake there, and my boy’s smiling faces appeared from under their blankets, rested and ready to fill their empty tummies. My usual cheer shrouded by the continual nausea that tried to beat me down, I readied my kids for their day. The smell of peanut butter lingered in the air as the boys munched on their crispy toast at the table. Chatting with animated voices they made secret plans, privileged information shared between brothers. We stomped down the stairs of our upper flat, a brigade off to battle the morning traffic.

We accomplished our mission, fought through the carpool lane and delivered our little soldier to school. Finally home with my two-year-old chatterbox, my main objective was to feel better. Medicating myself with fiery tasting Altoids Peppermints was the only way I knew how to wage war against the hormones-gone-crazy in my body. The little spicy lozenge eased the continual acid taste in the back of my throat, cutting the never ending, intense nausea. Popping Altoids and lying motionless on the chilly leather sofa in our tiny living room was my plan.

My little bundle of energy was happily watching a movie in the den while I lie stationary, watching my friends on The Today Show chatter about the pristine blue, sun drenched sky over New York City when suddenly a news story broke. The report was a swift slap in the face. I sat straight up, sickness quelled by shock, as I focused on the news. An unidentified airplane crashed into the North Tower of the World Trade Center. Immediately a sense of doom fell over me. I sat watching the live picture of the North Tower as it burned. Smoke spilled out the side of the building like a peace pipe had been lit.

The atmosphere shifted at exactly 9:03 a.m. I sat chilled to the bone as I watched a second airplane intentionally slam into the South Tower. My raw instincts told me we were being attacked. Trembling, I grabbed the telephone and called my rock, my spouse, who always brought peace to my anxieties. I needed to make sense of what I just saw and knew my husband would bring stability to the earthquake that shuttered around me. But his words could not ease the thick gloom in the air. The unspeakable happened. Our nation was attacked.

With my eyes fixed on the live feed of network news, I came undone while I watched blameless men and women throw themselves from the burning structures. It was a ghastly sight, human beings jumping from windows. Some leapt alone while others found solace falling together. Ten seconds was all it took for each victim to reach their life’s end. Decimated, their flesh and blood mingled with fear on the streets.

I witnessed the towers crumble as if they were paper mache piñatas, thoroughly destroyed and spilled all over the ground. Astonished, I saw the symbol of American wealth and prosperity reduced to a colossal heap of smoking debris. I was spared of the deafening thunder that resounded when the strong buildings fell. My breath was clear of the massive dust that billowed as clouds, rolling through the Manhattan streets. I didn’t have the heartbreaking anxiety over whether my loved one cleared the premises before all was lost that day.

This tragedy happened over six hundred long miles from my doorstep, but it was as if it occurred in my driveway. I was intensely offended. My land was molested. Innocent people lost their lives. The enemy celebrated like their underdog team won the championship, while our city burned. They triumphed in the terror that reigned from their deplorable acts.

As the horrific events played out, my empty arms needed to hold my family. My husband, unable to concentrate on his job, came home. Together, wounded and battered, we drove to pick up our first grader. He was unaware of the dreadful happenings that changed our world, although his demeanor spoke of one who had a simple knowing.

We sat soberly, stunned, as if we had taken a hard hit to the head. We didn’t know what our futures would hold. We felt the storm brewing in the distance and could not help holding each other a little tighter that evening. Our arms were filled, but our hearts ached for those whose arms were vacant.

For months following the attacks on our land, our family stuck together, bonded by the calamity. Our country went to war and we found our patriot voice in the midst of the uncertainties. We displayed our American flag boldly, openly expressing love for our country.

The birth of our little girl came eight days after the United States invaded Iraq. I was wrought with emotion; pure elation, mixed with pensive reflection over the state of the world. As we watch our daughter grow she serves as a reminder. There is something here worth protecting; something still worth fighting for. The seed of hope grows as the memory lingers.

Two Years in The Desert

I used to sing a song by Annie Herring called Heart of Stone. (You can purchase it on itunes but I couldn't find it anywhere else online to listen for free.) The song is a heart grabber, and when I would perform the song my emotions would get jumbled in there and reach out to all of the women in the congregation/retreat that were identifying with the song.

Heart of Stone

All my life I would give away

Just to melt this heart of stone

All my wealth, all my treasured dreams

Just to melt this heart of stone

For I know You can't shine through me

Until I'm broke in two

So, Holy Spirit breathe on me

And melt this heart of stone

Faithful Friend,

You're there to the end

Yet my heart has crowded you out

One by one

Little things I've done

Turned my heart away from the Son

And I know You can't shine through me

Until I'm broke in two

So, Holy Spirit breathe on me and melt this heart of stone

For I know no other power

And I know no other Love

Only You alone can melt this stone

Break this heart of stone

Break this heart of stone

Break this heart of stone

And set me free

Holy Spirit,

Breathe on me and melt this heart of stone.Oh Holy Spirit,

Breathe on me and melt this heart of stone

Singing this song as the Lord helped me sympathize with the people whose hearts were being touched is one thing, but being able to empathize with a person with a heart of stone is much, much different. Empathy comes through experience. I can now empathize.

I didn't know my heart was hard. How does this happen to a woman who loves Jesus? How can someone who is willing to give her whole life in order to advance the Kingdom of God have a crippled, bitter heart? How does a person, actively serving in church ministry walk around with a heart bereft of life?

I didn't realize my heart was so fallow until I felt the flicker of life come back. Ironic, isn't it? A lover of Jesus, walking around with stone for a heart? Giving and serving from a heart of cement? Praying for and ministering to others, yet having a cold, unfeeling heart?

I have been repeatedly wounded. Instead of allowing the Spirit of the Lord to minister to those wounds, I chose to bury them. Years and years of stuffing the pain and disappointment have caused my heart to go from tender to rocks. Honestly, I should have known better. But, here's what happened--I allowed the waves of pain, year after year, to tarnish my intimacy with Christ. This year, I pretty much stopped praying (Unless it was for others in a corporate setting.) and reading the Word. I didn't do a single Bible Study session. I didn't memorize my monthly scripture for the fun LPM thing in January. For the most part, I listened to country music, (Or rock, or 80's, or______fill in the blank.) But didn't fill my home or life with worship music. I did everything I could to avoid the pain. Oh, I was still hurting-but I avoided feeling the hurt and letting the Lord minister to me through the pain. It was just too hard. I didn't want to give in to the pain because I seriously thought my heart would break. And now, unfortunately, the pain is more intense as I surrender to the work of the Lord.

The good news is He is gentle and kind. The Lord is gracious and full of compassion-slow to anger and abounding in love. I know this healing is probably going to take some time, and I'm okay with that-because hope has come. I feel the sweet Spirit of God softening the dry places and it is good.

My desire is to be used of the Lord. I've been a wreck for a good two years-but HE can still make me into someone usable! It is my desire to see Romans 8:18-the verse I claimed as a teenager when I first gave my life to the Lord, to be worked out in my life today.

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. Romans 8:18

God, come and reveal Your glory so that even these past two years in the desert will not be wasted.

Wow, it has been a LONG time!

I am so embarrassed! How I have neglected my blog for over two months is beyond me. Seriously, at one point in time I took care of this blog like it was my 4th child, I am cowering in shame, I've neglected my baby! ;) How do I just jump back into blogging after being absent so long??

Life took over this summer! It has been a wonderfully LONG and relaxing season but now I am on the brink of a new year. The activities of the fall will cause order to my life, which is a good thing! Four classes will keep me busy, along with both boys playing football and the two youngest playing soccer. (PJ is giving up soccer, please bear with me as I grieve this loss.) I have my menus ready for the semester, I have my books purchased, I have my calendar filled in, I have the school supplies purchased...it seems as if we are ready for the madness to begin!

It is my true desire to write again. I hope this new season allows me the time to pick up where I left off last September! I am not taking a writing class this semester, so that will not be a valid excuse for a lengthy absence here at Facedown. (Last year I had to write so many essays for two writing classes that I was always writing or revising something!)

There's so much going on in my heart that will eventually make it here to the blog-but now is not the time. For now I will just say, welcome back old friend! Come back soon because I'm here. I feel the flicker of hope for a new day, and it is good.