My Story

Sometimes it's really easy to write, and sometimes it's brutal--because there's so much to say, yet knowing exactly what to share can make me want to just close up shop here at Facedown.  Not to mention, to my knowledge, I'm basically writing for an average of two readers, both of which probably know most of what I say here before it's posted.  (If you're reading and not commenting, you might want to change that!)

The past few weeks have held many unexpected twists in the plot of my life, and while I am not the main author of my story, the choices I make have much to do with which avenue the plot takes.  There have been chapters in my journey that I'm proud of--the times that I feel like I can look back on and not want any of it to end up on the editors floor; however, there are those dark chapters that I'd like nothing more than to grab my black sharpie and blot out all of the humiliatingly awful choices I've made.  Recently, unfortunately I've chosen to participate in more of the latter.

The thing about choices is, what's mine is mine.  So often I want to blame my choices on external pressures all around me instead of examining what's broken inside of me, and striving toward healing in the broken places.  That would most likely mean pain.  It would also mean trusting the Healer to work.  It would also mean surrendering, come what may, to His plan and purposes for my life.  And the lives of the people I love most in this world.

When I look at the chaos I've created around me, it's instinctual to, 1) keep walking down the path of destruction, or 2) freeze where I stand until the chaos abates.  The problem with both of these responses is they're not productive.  As a person, I want to continually be growing--these solutions lead to decrease instead of increase.

The way I see it, the only choice I have is to face the music, and give in to the Healer to do His job.

I'm sure I'll come through on the other end different, and ready for my story to be used to help others, but I'm not excited about this journey--because heart stuff is hard people.

While talking about this with a good friend she reminded me of words I spoke about someone else who'd made some bad choices..."Your choices do not define you..."

My definition of myself isn't the greatest right now, but letting the truth spill over into the yuck is beneficial, and necessary for healing.

So, to start, the Word of God says that because of Christ's sacrifice:

• I'm forgiven.
• I'm redeemed.
• I'm justified. 
• I'm loved.

Chewing on this for now.  Maybe I'll write more later.  The story's not finished yet.  I'm thankful for new mercies every morning.  Depending on them greatly right now.

What is Beautiful?

Today I saw beauty in so many forms...

• A warrior friend, fighting cancer again with strength and determination.
• Her dedicated friend sitting alongside her for the third "first"--steadfast, and loyal.
• A man named Dan who gives his time to different oncology centers on a daily basis, taking coffee orders and making starbucks runs to fill them--all for free, just to bring a smile to the patients faces. 
• Nurses and medical assistants bringing laughter and lighter moods into what could be a very sad place.
• A prayer in a text message that spoke life and peace.
• A friend who took time out of her very busy day to text me lines from the movie "Elf" and make me laugh.
• Quiet moments of thought.
• Feelings communicated through the eyes without a word uttered.
• Hugs from three children I adore, and don't get to see often enough.
• The radiant smile of a golden friend.
• A friend willing to add my child to her already busy load of running around, because she cares.
• Endearing encouragement.
• Light laughter and a little "Down by the Bay" from a lanky teenage boy with a bright smile, and awesome attitude.
• Hearts filled with love and concern, and a desire to serve.
• An impromptu dance in the chemo room bringing smiles and laughter.

Beauty was beheld, and I am a better person for it.  <3

A Few Good Things

I use this blog as a journal of sorts.  Sometimes I have encouragement to share, sometimes it's more of a sounding board for me to share my thoughts and feelings.  I do look at this place as somewhat of a chronicle of my life as well--at least the years I've spent writing here.  So, with that in mind I decided to take a post to talk about a few good things that've happened in my life in the past few weeks.

On Monday, April 16th I was invited to attend the Academic Honors night at Rochester College.  While I've attended a few honors nights for my kids, I never really thought I'd be attending an honors night for myself.  That evening was fun.  I was inducted into two honor societies, Alpha Chi (an academic honors society), and Psi Chi (an academic honors society for psychology students).  I was also given an award from the Behavioral Sciences Department for Excellence in Research, for an original experimental design research paper I wrote for my senior capstone project.  Not bad for a 40 year old undergrad student!

Me receiving my award from the Behavioral Sciences Department

The very next morning I presented my research at the Rochester College 2012 Academic Symposium, which sounds fancy, but was actually just in one of the lecture halls, and there were only about 30/40 people there, but it was an honor none the less.  What was most endearing to me was the support I received from my Butchie, and from my beautiful friends--Vicki, Karen, Barby, and Phyl who were all there at 9:00 in the morning to listen to something that they weren't really interested in, just because it was me presenting.  (I'm so thankful for my supportive friends--I love you so much!)

Presenting at Academic Symposium

Another really cool thing that happened was that I was invited to present a poster of my research at the national level for the Midwestern Psychological Association Conference in Chicago.  I accidentally submitted my abstract to the wrong conference...MPA is for the graduate school level, Psi Chi is for the undergraduate level, the conferences run concurrently, I accidentally submitted to MPA, and was accepted as an undergrad, which is quite an honor.  I chose not to go, but sent my poster with my professor and she gladly hung it for me.

Here's what my poster looked like! 

And lastly, I graduated! :)  It was very fun to participate in the commencement ceremony and actually walk the platform after my degree was conferred.  My four years at Rochester College were wonderful.  I met so many great people, had the opportunity to sit under some excellent professors; my favorite was my algebra professor--I had her for two semesters in a row for algebra--beginning and intermediate-- and then she also taught my anatomy and physiology class which I had the first semester of algebra.  She actually feels more like a friend than a teacher!  (Mrs.  Turner, if you're reading this, thank you from the bottom of my heart for teaching with such integrity, and for caring for your students so well!  You're the bomb.com!)

 Receiving my fake diploma (real one will come in the mail).

Right after the ceremony. 

(Jackson was at a youth group conference so he couldn't be there.)

All Graduated! :) Magna Cum Laude--3.75 GPA WOO HOO!

The night of my graduation Butchie threw me a great party--family and friends gathered and we ate!  I regret not getting my camera out until the end of the night...I missed getting the faces of so many that I adore...but here are the few pictures that were taken that night.

My beautiful friend Heidi was there to celebrate!

My beautiful friend Karen was there too!

 And let's not forget my beautiful friend Amanda!

So, despite the recently reported sad news that I've been processing...there's still reason to celebrate.  I'm taking it all in stride, and living each day, experiencing the emotions of life to the fullest--both the good and the bad...and really, what else can we do but that? :)

Pressing In and Pressing On

I was having a hard time this morning.  

While I absolutely know that God is not surprised with what's going on in my life and heart, sometimes my heart becomes overwhelmed.  

April was a huge month.  We started it in Florida on a lovely vacation where we enjoyed visiting Butchie's brother and sister-in-law; also spending a couple of days with my mom and stepdad; and ending the vacation with not quite 24 hours with some beloved friends.  It was a much needed get-away for our family, and we made some lasting memories.  

I returned home to the final three, very busy weeks of my undergraduate program.  It's all sort of a blur now, and I'm not quite sure how I actually pulled off the few big things I had left to do when vacation ended.  

The week of graduation was when my Vicki got the call about her blood test being elevated; and the rest I already wrote about in my last post.

So coming down from vacation, plus the end of four extremely busy years of college colliding with the news that one my best friends has to battle cancer again, and I guess it's just a recipe for a train wreck--which is pretty much what I've become the last couple of days. 

This morning after Zoe got on the school bus I looked around the messy-ish kitchen, and instead of getting to work like I usually do after my baby leaves, I headed straight to my bed.  I tossed and turned for about an hour and then I thought I should try to make plans for lunch, because I just don't think it's smart to stay in bed all day *grin*.  I grabbed my phone and texted a friend from church, knowing that sometimes a spontaneous lunch works for her, but also prepared for it not to work as well.  No sooner did I send that text off and my phone rang; the sweet voice of another friend from church was on the line.  This woman and I became friends very quickly, and have a ton in common--needless to say, she's become a treasured, and deeply loved friend to me.  

She called from work because she just felt like she was lead to do so.  Despite protests from me (because she was working!) she told me to meet her in 45 minutes at Caribou Coffee...she had about an hour before another meeting, but she wanted to meet, and so I went.  

She encouraged me greatly--with words of life.  

Isaiah 40:29--He gives power to those who are tired and worn out; he offers strength to the weak. 

Psalm 46:1--God is our refuge and our strength, always ready to help in times of trouble.

Her words, mingled with THE Word, brought peace to my soul; and while I still don't have answers, and I still can't make anything better for my Vicki, I absolutely know that relying on my own strength to get me through hard times in life will get me nowhere fast.  It will also make me weak, and basically useless for my friend, who needs strength, supported by faith and hope right now.  

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't surprised that my friend called today--especially because she is insanely busy with her family, job, school, and ministry.  While it is totally in her character to put aside her own busyness in order to care for others, I guess the thought of her calling just didn't occur to me.  (Which is why I didn't call her in the first place--because I knew she was working!)  

So, if a lesson can be taken, let it be this; if God prompts you to call/visit/email/text someone--DO IT.  What you have to say to them might just be the nudge that gets them pressing in, and pressing on.

Cancer Sucks

Two weeks ago tomorrow I found out that my Presh might be facing cancer for the third time in four years.  Needless to say, it was a long week waiting for the confirmation, that yes, indeed she's fighting the beast again.  The above photo was taken at her house the night the cancer was confirmed.  

Love covers all.

It's a helpless place to be...watching (one of) your best friend(s) have to endure chemo, again.

I'd be lying if I said it didn't bring out the absolute worst in me.

(fear)

(sorrow)

(doubt)

(anger)

The helplessness is maddening, because I just want to take this from her.  Make it better.  Make it so she doesn't have to face this ever again.   Make it so her husband doesn't have to hurt.  Make it so she doesn't have to tell her children that she has to have to chemo again.  Make it so her parents and sisters don't have to worry.  Make it so her beautiful friends don't have to fear or fret.  Make it so she doesn't have to be sick ever ever again.

But I'm powerless against this stupid beast.

So, all I can do is love. 

Love covers all.

And when it feels like it's not enough--which it does--I just try to keep loving the best I can.

Because this friend is worth every ounce of love I can give.  

And if anyone "deserves" healing--it's her.

So, we gear up, to fight at her side, and to fight for her.  Because if there's anything Vicki has taught me, it's to fight.  And as you can see from the picture above, she is no stranger to comforting the hurting.  She does it well, and with such grace.  

I'm ready to fight Vic.  

Choosing to Trust God

It's after 1am and I have class at 8:15am.  Adolescent Development class--the last official class of my undergraduate career.  And while this brings me joy, it's ironic to me as well, because a love and passion for adolescents was what brought me to the decision to actually go to school in the first place.

Today I presented my senior research project at school.  Some of the faculty was there, some of the staff, and a few of my treasured friends sat and listened to me talk about psychology and adolescents.  Again, it comes back to that.

After my presentation I was blessed to enjoy breakfast out with my heart friends, I got to talking with one of them about a vision for the future, which included counseling adolescents.  Seems like a theme is developing!

After spending some much needed time with one of my besties, I received a phone call from the worship pastor at our church, asking if I'd like to participate in the worship service this weekend, as another member had to cancel, leaving a vacant spot.  (I had auditioned a few weeks ago, but because the schedule is made in advance, didn't expect to be singing until May at the earliest.)  It filled me with such anticipation and excitement, because I love worship.

So, all in all, it was an excellent day.

Until my son called me and told me that a classmate of his (whose mother is a friend of mine) was in the hospital.  The details are not mine to share, but in the midst of thinking about what little I knew, my heart flooded with compassion for teenagers and the world they live in.

I thought all afternoon.

And I prayed for a miracle.

I had a chat with the same bestie I spent time with earlier in the day, and again, with details unknown, and not mine to share, I came to the understanding that sometimes there are things that happen in life that we just don't understand.  As much as we research, and study.  As much as we pray and seek.  As much as we love and care.  Sometimes things just happen.

Pondering this I decided to try to go to bed, but remembered as I closed my laptop that I wanted to put the songs for Sunday on my ipod so I could listen to them on my way to school in the morning.  In the midst of making a new playlist I came across a song that really grabbed me; especially the lyrics to the bridge:

We welcome you with praise
We welcome you with praise
Almighty God of love, be welcome in this place
Let every heart adore
LET EVERY SOUL AWAKE
Almighty God of love, be welcome in this place

And then I decided to choose to trust God.  Because his ways are higher than my ways.  And because, quite frankly, I don't have any answers.  I don't know what will happen in the lives of the people I adore.  I don't even know what will happen in my own life.  All I know is that I am promised eternity, because of the sacrificial blood of Christ, and His gift of salvation to me.  So, today, I'm choosing to trust Him.

I have now.  I have my incredible family, carrying with it love like I've never known.  I have breath in my lungs.  I have gorgeous hearted friends who make me laugh until I cry, let me cry until I laugh, and challenge me to be a better person by how they live their lives.  I have today.

And today, I'm choosing to trust God.

Where is your hope today?  Are you trusting in the tangible or the intangible?  Are you trusting in what you can see or what cannot be seen?

If you're reading this and you've never committed your life to Christ but you'd like to, email me and I'll get in touch with you.  (teributcher@gmail.com)

So as I finally close my laptop, and eventually close my eyes--I'm still praying for that miracle.

And somehow, it seems it's already come.

Choosing to trust in God.




         

     My heart leapt when I heard the ultrasound technician say, "It's a girl!" but my mind wouldn't allow me to believe it, "are you sure?" the tentative whisper escaped my lips.  "Well, about as sure as I can be, let's put it this way, if it's a boy, it's in trouble!" Letting the truth sink in, I was uncharacteristically quiet.  I had just been told that my dreams were coming true.  It was a huge moment, life-changing really, and I didn't quite know how to breathe.  In fact, ten years later and just a glimpse at my daughter still takes my breath away.
     There was something in me that desired a daughter; something so deep that I'm not sure if it's even discernible.  All of my being cried out to mother a girl, and after my two marvelous little men, topping off my child-bearing with a girl has left me completely undone.  (This goes without saying, but just so nobody gets up in my grill, I'm saying it--my boys mean the world to me.  I love them with every fiber of my being, and wouldn't trade either of them for a million girls!  They both stole my heart when I was blessed to give birth to them, and they continue to thieve on it to this day!)
     Explaining what it means to get to raise my Zoe is almost impossible.  I can say, something deep within me shifted when I had her, a resonating so powerful, and real--yet intangible.  Perhaps it was the opportunity to make old wrongs, right.  Maybe it was the deep understanding that she would be different than the boys, emotionally.  To grasp that God would give me my deepest heart's desire, wrapped in a pink blanket, it's almost too sacred to speak of.
     What I do know is she's changed me.  The name Zoe means LIFE, and I can truly say, she is life on so many levels.  She is a reflection of God's goodness.  She oozes kindness, and sweetness.  Her beauty comes from a place deep with-in that shines out her hazel eyes, and causes me to pause when I glance her way.  She can't help but love, and she does it very well.  Her thoughts, so much deeper and solid than any fourth grader I've ever known, are something to behold--altruistic, sensitive, empathetic, caring.  My girl.
     The reality of my lack of time left with her fell hard last week when she turned ten years old--it hit me square in the face--these years are in a full sprint, and I am powerless to stop them.  While part of me wants to hold my little girl, and keep her innocent--the other part of me is so excited to see her as a teenager, and then as a women.  This excitement keeps me from falling to pieces every time I see a bit of her looking less like a little girl, and more like a young lady; it's the most agonizing, yet exhilarating experience.  So, this precious little time I have left with her will not be taken for granted, and I put forth my best for her, because she is so worthy of it, and more.  And while I question my abilities to impart to her what she needs--I trust in a sovereign God, who gifted me with my LifeGirl--God, the ultimate equipper.
Thank you God for my Z girl.  Thank you for knowing me better than I know myself, and thank you for making my dreams of mothering a daughter come to reality.  Hold us both as we walk out these next few years.  Equip me to be the kind of mom that Zoe needs, and help me to put aside my selfish ambitions in order to be everything she needs as a mom.  Thank you for making her so beautiful, and sweet.  Thank you for causing her burst forth like warm sunshine in my heart.  Help me to do right by her, and to spend myself on her because investing in her is the most fulfilling thing I've ever done.  Help her to walk in confidence and strength all of her life.  Place other women in her path that will lead her into godliness and goodness, and away from evil.  Be in her friendships.  Cause her to flourish and grow in the midst of her friends, may they always be life-giving and loving.  Keep her unto yourself, and cause her to do mighty things for you and your kingdom.  In Jesus' name I pray, amen.